NEW BANKRUPTCY BILL INCLUDES MANDATORY ORGAN DONATION

Washington – A new bankruptcy bill passed by the Senate last week would make kidney donation mandatory for all persons seeking protection under the federal bankruptcy laws. The new law has been the subject of intense lobbying by the credit card and banking industries.

Said B. Simon Simpkins, president of the American Association of Credit Squeezers, “There’s absolutely no good reason why a person with two perfectly good kidneys should be able to get out of paying their credit card bills, which our members very generously helped them to get in the first place.”

An earlier version of the bill that included mandatory lung, liver and heart donation failed to pass by a one-vote margin, after industry sources realized that it might leave them with fewer customers.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

DAN RATHER WRONG ABOUT RETIREMENT

New York – CBS newsman Dan Rather, who signed off this week after 24 years in the anchor chair of the CBS Evening News, announced today that reports of his retirement have now turned out to be false.

In a printed statement, Rather said, “It now appears likely that reports of my retirement were premature and unfounded. We at CBS News sincerely apologize for this error in judgment. I’ll be back on the air this coming Monday, just as sure as a pig loves slop.”

Sources behind the scenes at CBS promised a full investigation. While they refused to specify what possible punishments might be meted out, they did not rule out Rather’s termination.

©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

STUDY SHOWS DRIVING IMPAIRS USE OF CELL PHONES

San Enfermo, California – A new study released today shows that driving a car while using a cell phone definitely impairs an individual’s ability to use the phone correctly.

Says one of the study’s authors, Professor Irwin Flugelmayer of the University of California at San Enfermo, “We have long suspected that people who drive while phoning weren’t phoning very well. This study finally gives us proof of it.”

Some examples of inaccurate phone use among those driving cars in the study included punching in as many as five wrong numbers before the right one was obtained, ordering the wrong toppings on take-out pizzas and calling a parent or employer “dude” by accident.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

BIRDS WARNED OF RISK OF HUMAN FLU

Atlanta – The Centers for Disease Control today issued a warning to all birds that a significant risk exists that the “Human Flu” could mutate and be spread to birds.

“We want all of you ducks, chickens and other poultry out there to be aware that the Human Flu could pose a serious risk to your health,” said Dr. C. Ken Cacciatore, head of the CDC’s Human Flu Research Department.

Dr. Cacciatore went on to say that a new flu vaccine was being developed that would address such a mutated virus. The vaccine reportedly will be given on a priority basis to those birds who are over 65, under two or reside in retirement golf communities.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GREENSPAN FARTS, SENDS MARKETS TUMBLING

Washington – An unexpected fart from the rear end of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan sent the U.S. financial markets tumbling today.

Greenspan, who was testifying in front of the House Committee on Economic Confusion, reportedly let loose with an audible blast just as he was finishing his semi-annual report. Ten minutes later, the Dow Jones Industrials had already lost 500 points.

A Fed spokesman later in the day assured reporters that the chairman’s “irrational exuberance was due to an excess of Mexican food at lunch, not to any specific concerns about the economic recovery,” saying that Mr. Greenspan had “merely lost the handle on that big boy.”

By 3:00 p.m., the markets had recovered significantly.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

ISRAEL: IRAN WILL HAVE ABILITY TO MAKE BAD T.V. REALITY SHOWS IN 6 MONTHS

Jerusalem – In a speech televised across the country and around Europe, Israeli Defense Minister Dossi ben Dover disclosed that Iran will have the ability to produce really bad T.V. “reality shows” within the next six months.

The news came as a shock to many in the audience, who had assumed up until now that the best the Iranians could put together was a Jerry Springer knockoff show in Farsi.

Said the minister, “I don’t have to tell you how much damage could be done once our airwaves are filled with shows like ‘Who’ll Marry My Imam,’ ‘Jihadi Survivor’ and ‘The Ayatollah’s Apprentice.’”

While European leaders expressed shock and outrage at the news, U.S. officials seemed less concerned. Said one, “Fortunately they lack the technology to deliver such lethal weapons this far away.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GROUPS PROTEST “CLEAN” HALFTIME SHOW

Jacksonville – A coalition of atheist and satanic-worship organizations today deluged the Federal Communications Commission with complaints about yesterday’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Said a spokesman for the coalition, “We are completely shocked and outraged that our young people would be subjected to a display of such wholesome and non-sexual entertainment during a major sporting event such as this one. Where were the crotch-grabbing, nipple-flashing and sexual content we've come to expect?”

The complaints come in start contrast to last year’s uproar by religious groups, who protested singer Janet Jackson’s split-second breast flashing.

Responded outgoing FCC Chairman Michael Powell, “I guess you can’t please everyone. Maybe I'll call a news conference and drop my pants to make up for it.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

MAYORS SWAP SUPER BOWL BETS

Philadelphia - In a long-standing tradition, the mayors of the two teams playing in this Sunday’s Super Bowl have made a friendly wager of things their respective cities are noted for.

If the Philadelphia Eagles win, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino has promised Philadelphia a huge, multi-billion-dollar road construction project that leaks water and will take years to complete. If New England wins, Philadelphia Mayor John Street will award no-bid city contracts to politically-connected Bostonians.

Said a spokesman for one of the mayors, "Either way, the bucks stop here!"


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

PRESIDENT PROPOSES PERSONAL PET FOOD ACCOUNTS

Oat Park, Ohio – In the wake of his State of the Union speech promising changes in Social Security for America’s younger workers, President Bush today laid out his proposal for personal pet food accounts for all workers under age 55.

“We cannot keep the current system in place for the younger generation without taking such drastic steps as changing my tax plan, adjusting the retirement age to reflect reality and having high-income earners pay Social Security tax on all of their earnings,” said the president.

“With personal pet food accounts, we can at least guarantee that there will always be a source of protein for those retirees who don’t have oil profits, Halliburton stock or big corporate pensions.”

Echoed an administration official, “Keep in mind that pet food has not just meat, but important meat by-products.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

CONGRESSMAN GOOFS AT STATE OF THE UNION

Washington – A Democratic Congressman found himself in hot water during last night’s “State of the Union” address after standing up to applaud at the wrong time.

Congressman Alfredo Guadeloupe (D – California) endured the scorn of his Democratic colleagues when he chose the wrong moment during President Bush’s speech to rise to his feet.

Said the Congressman, “He kept talking about motherhood and apple pie and the flag, and we all got up, both sides of the aisle, and applauded. Next thing I knew he had slipped in that part about euthanizing the poor and handicapped, and I was on my feet clapping before I knew it. Boy, did I have egg on my face!”

While the misstep has made Guadeloupe an overnight pariah to his fellow Democrats, sources say the Bush Administration plans to offer him a job as Undersecretary of Health and Human Services.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

JANET JACKSON'S LEFT BREAST SUES NFL

Jacksonville – In what some court watchers say is an unprecedented move, attorneys for pop star Janet Jackson’s left breast filed a 32-count civil suit against the National Football League claiming discrimination for refusing to feature it in this year’s planned Super Bowl halftime show.

Jackson, who incurred the wrath of government regulators and parents groups alike last year when she exposed her right breast during the halftime show, is trying to get the courts to force the NFL to allow her back on the show during this year’s game.

Booked for the show instead is former Beatle Paul McCartney, who is expected to perform an entire song without exposing himself.

Said lead attorney Johnny Cochran, “If the bra isn’t gone, the show can’t go on!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

IRAQI ELECTION WINNER DEMANDS RECOUNT

Ramadi – The man who has been declared the unofficial top vote-getter in Al Anbar Province in yesterday’s Iraqi election has called today for a recount.

A spokesman for Ahmed Kartooni, the candidate from the “Iraqi Schvitz Baath” party, insisted that irregularities in the vote count had skewed the results.

Said the spokesman, who declined to appear on or off camera, “This is a perversion of justice which cannot stand. There’s no way our man won this thing fair and square. We demand a recount!”

There’s been no word yet on whether such a recount will be granted, or what the value of one would be, since Mr. Kartooni ran unopposed.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

D.A. SEEKS DEATH FOR SUICIDAL MAN

Los Angeles – A California district attorney announced today that he will seek the death penalty for a suicidal man who drove his vehicle onto the railroad tracks in an attempt to kill himself, but instead caused a catastrophic passenger train crash.

Said the D.A., “I know that the death penalty is a harsh punishment, but we need to put these people to death in order to deter other suicidal people from trying to kill themselves in the future.”

Sister Helen Prejean, a vocal death penalty opponent and author of the book “Dead Man Walking,” responded to the news by telling reporters, “Yeah, we might need to fry this one.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

IRAQ POLLING PLACES SECRET UNTIL AFTER THE VOTE

Baghdad – In an effort to minimize the number of attacks on polling places before and during Sunday’s election, the Iraqi provisional government has announced that the location of all polling places will be kept top-secret until the day after the election.

When asked by reporters if that wouldn’t make it difficult for Iraqis to find a place to cast their ballots, a spokesman replied, “Hey, I’m just provisional. Ask the new guy on Monday!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin – All rights reserved.

BROKERAGE FIRMS AGREE TO SCREW EVERYONE EQUALLY

New York - In a landmark announcement, four of the country’s largest brokerage firms have agreed to treat all of their investors unfairly, no matter how big or profitable they are.

The announcement came on the heels of an ongoing investigation by New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer that cited instances where favored clients were given unfair early access to hot I.P.O.s, and analysts touted stocks they privately believed were garbage just to curry favor with investment banking clients.

Under the new consent order, the four firms have agreed to charge excessive brokerage fees, hide commissions on bonds in the sale price, and make “buy” recommendations on stocks with dubious prospects to all clients, regardless of size or close connection with the firm.

A Wall Street source called the deal “a good step in the wrong direction.”

ADMINISTRATION FINALLY ADMITS MISTAKE IN IRAQ

Washington – After months of refusing to admit any mistakes in the war in Iraq, a member of the Bush Administration has finally conceded one error after intense press pressure.

The surprising admission came in a news release from the Pentagon’s Office of Dining Support. In it, a Pentagon spokesman admitted that the wrong wine was selected for a formal officers’ dinner held in Baghdad last month.

Said the release, “We regret to have to admit that a red wine was served with the Chicken Marsala. Clearly a white would have been more appropriate.”

The White House immediately fired the spokesman.

BUSH PROMISES CHANGES IN SECOND TERM

In a post-inaugural speech today, President Bush acknowledged that his policies are not without their critics, and promised to make changes in his second term. A few of the changes announced by the White House:

· The voltage attached to Iraqi prisoners’ genitals will be reduced from “AC” to “DC.”

· The U.S. would no longer launch preemptive military attacks on nations the White House suspects of having “weapons of mass destruction,” but instead would limit them to only countries they “kinda sorta think they’re really sure” have them.

· Restrictions on funding for stem cell research will be eased to allow more research on those diseases affecting mostly Republicans.

· Vice President Dick Cheney will be allowed out of his bunker once a year to attend the annual Halliburton stockholders meeting.

· Presidential “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” aircraft carrier landings will be limited to wars we’ve actually won.

DONALD TRUMP FIRED ON “THE APPRENTICE”

New York – In a surprising turn of events, brash entrepreneur and star of his own reality show Donald Trump was fired from the “company” featured on his popular T.V. show “The Apprentice.”

The show, which has gained surprising popularity among America’s white-collar workers, takes two groups of young, hard-charging employees and has them compete against each other to see whose “company” can perform the best.

The highlight of each week’s episode is when Trump personally fires someone from the underperforming company after dressing them down for their alleged incompetence.

In last night’s show, however, all of the contestants got together and pink-slipped Trump, even going so far as to having building security escort him out the front door.

When asked why the sudden turn of events, one contestant explained, ”Hey, the guy’s obviously a sucky manager if he can’t keep any employees. Not to mention the hair!”

RICE PROMISES U.S. WILL TALK BEFORE WAR

Washington – At her confirmation hearing today, National Security Advisor and Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice promised congressional committee members that in its second term, the Bush Administration “would always start by talking to other nations before taking any military action against them.”

When pressed by committee members, Rice admitted that such “talking” might include such phrases as “Hey, we’re gonna bomb you guys!,” “Go ahead, make my day!” and “Betcha can’t spell ‘cruise missile,’ Abdul!”

Committee members promised speedy approval of the nominee.

NADER SUES TO GET ON IRAQI BALLOT

Consumer advocate and two-time presidential loser Ralph Nader has filed suit in a Baghdad court, asking that his name be placed on the ballot in the upcoming Iraqi elections.

Nader, who first reached prominence back in the 1960’s when his book, “Unsafe at Any Speed,” detailed the safety hazards designed into many of America’s motor vehicles, says he plans to make automotive defects a major focus of his Iraqi presidential campaign.

“It’s obvious to me that you’ve got thousands of unsafe vehicles on Iraqi roads and highways,” says Nader. To back up his point, he gave statistics on the numbers of Iraqi cars that have blown up over the past year. “And these cars are especially defective when they get near U.S. military checkpoints and Iraqi police stations.”

Iraqi election officials refused comment on the suit.