Blogging With Barry (Rabin)

So how would Jesus run for president?

When Republican candidate (and Baptist minister) Mike Huckabee quipped that Jesus was “too smart to run for public office,” most of us took it as a joke (albeit one with some truth in it).

But not so fast. Since good Christians believe that Jesus is coming back to earth, who’s to say he might not throw his hat into the ring, especially in a year with as many lightweights as this one?

I know what you’re saying. Those who believe in a more literal translation of the New Testament are counting on the “Rapture” to instantaneously transform the world.

But given what a mess we’ve made of it, one could certainly make the argument that even Jesus Christ might need a term or two in the White House to fully straighten things out.

So how would Jesus run?

First, as with all potential candidates, let’s look at the public positions he has taken in the past.

While I’m no New Testament expert, I do know that Jesus was on record as being for feeding the hungry, healing the sick, raising up the downtrodden and bringing about the end of all war.

With a record like that, he would immediately be branded with what has become a four-letter word in American politics: Liberal.

I can just hear the attack ads:

(DEEP-VOICED ANNOUNCER) “THERE’S ONE CANDIDATE WHO WANTS TO RAISE YOUR TAXES IN ORDER TO THROW MORE OF YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY INTO WASTEFUL SOCIAL WELFARE PROGRAMS. CAN WE REALLY AFFORD TO HAVE JESUS CHRIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE?”

Of course, Jesus’ political advisors (trying to keep him out of Dennis Kucinich-land at the end of the stage) would urge him to back away from his old positions, in a kind of Mitt Romney/Rudy Giuliani sort of way. I’d like to think Jesus wouldn’t listen to them, but you can almost hear some of the debate answers they’d try to prep him with.

Like for instance:

“Just because I’ve said ‘Love thine enemy’ once or twice in the past doesn’t mean we can’t torture a few of them, so long as the Attorney General’s office approves of it.”

Yes, I’d like to think that Jesus would resist backpedaling on core beliefs such as these. But those inside-the-beltway campaign consultants would try to convince him otherwise.

They would say things like, “Hey, if you want to be the Son of God, that’s fine with us. But don’t think that’ll win you votes in New Hampshire!”

Then there’s foreign policy. Ironically, Jesus would have a particularly tough time appealing to the Christian Right, many of whom have somehow come to believe that any foreign invasion is a good foreign invasion.

So would his advisors try to get him to finesse this one too? Would they try to get him to use lines like, “I may have said once that the peacemakers are blessed, but that doesn’t mean we all have to run around acting like them!”

Jesus would also have the challenge of running as one of America’s first minority candidates.

Do I mean because he was Jewish? No, I mean because he’d be the first deity (or son-of-a-deity) to run.

CNN, MSNBC and the major news magazines would be falling all over each other to be the first to pose the question: “IS AMERICAN READY FOR A MESSIAH IN THE WHITE HOUSE?”

(Fox News, unhappy with his “Liberal record,” would of course be flaming him with attacking pundits 24 hours a day).

There might even be some behind-the-scenes sniping from the other candidates. Imagine Mike Huckabee – in danger of losing the race – running a whispering campaign to try and convince Baptist voters that Jesus isn’t Christian enough.

But no, Huckabee was probably right in the first place.

Jesus would be too smart to run.

# posted by Barry @ 11:47 PM 0 comments

Okay, so there are no carols to sing or sleigh bells to ring. Halloween is still one of my favorites holidays.

After all, on what other night can you dress up in a costume and mask, show up at strangers’ doors, demand that they give you something and not get blown away by a 12-gauge shotgun?

Lots of kids will go out again this year dressed as the usual princesses, pirates and vampires. But here are some fresh ideas for those of you whose kids would prefer to wear a costume that’s right out of the headlines:

George W. Bush – What greater honor can there be than having your little Timmy or Tommy (I guess these days it’s your little Connor or Tanner) dressed up as our commander-in-chief. The costume would be simple: a nice business suit, a light blue, I’m-a-warm-and-caring-kind-of-guy necktie, and rose-colored glasses to see the war effort in Iraq as a perpetual “mission accomplished.” Oh, and a calendar to count down the days until the next guy (or gal) inherits his mess.

O. J. Simpson – Here’s a great idea for a group costume. When the homeowner opens the front door for the trick-or-treaters, the whole entourage comes storming in – toy guns in hand – with the last entrant dressed in a football jersey, yelling, “Give me my @#$%& candy, you &%$#@!!!” A nice additional touch: have the “star” hold the Heisman Trophy in one hand and a book entitled “How I Would Have Demanded Candy If I Had Done It Which I Didn’t” in the other.

Hillary Clinton – Here’s a role that’s perfect for your little Sally or Suzie (okay, Taylor or MacKenzie). First, have her sleep the night before with a coat hanger in her mouth, so she can look extra-smiley. Then, dress her up in a business suit peppered with “Hillary ‘08” campaign buttons. And be sure to have her bring puppies or kittens with her, just to make sure that the mom or dad at each house she visits can see how “warm and fuzzy” she can be. Oh, and have her bring a cruise missile along in a wagon, just to show her tough side.

Al Gore – The child who trick-or-treats in this costume should stuff a few pounds of padding around his midsection, show up in a Toyota Prius, and have a plastic Nobel Prize medal around his neck. Extra touches could include an “I Hate Ralph Nader!” button, a "Hang a Chad on THIS!" T-shirt and a little “lock box” labeled “SOCIAL SECURITY TRUST FUND” to put his candy in. And to really do it right? Bring along his blonde-haired sister or neighbor to smash a Rap CD on the doorstep at every stop.

Osama bin Laden – I know I’ve probably suggested this costume in past years, but since my guess is that he’s altered his appearance to evade capture, this could be a creative one again this year. To do Osama this year, have your kid dress like anybody who isn’t obviously an Arab terrorist – you know, Hip-Hop performer, NHL hockey player, rabbi, etc. Then, have him go around with a fake beard hanging out of his pocket an a flowing white robe stuffed into his bag. Oh, and be sure he remembers to say “Death to the Great Satan America!” at every stop, instead of “Trick-or-Treat” or “Thank-You!”
Britney Spears – Here’s another great costume idea for a girl. Have her put on a skimpy, sparkly outfit, pour a beer all over her clothes to get the right aroma, shave her head, and then have her crash her bike into the bushes at every stop. And for extra credit? Have her carry a couple of baby dolls on her bike and drop them along the way.

The Sinking U.S. Dollar – Another great group costume idea, this one would involve having your kid dress up in all green, and then sending him around with kids dressed as a Japanese Yen, a Euro, a British Pound, a Canadian Dollar, etc. To make it realistic, have the other kids beat the crap out of him at every stop.

# posted by Barry @ 12:09 AM 0 comments

Unless you are completely deaf, I’m willing to bet that there are certain popular songs that you – if given the chance – would excise from the surface of the earth like the most unwelcome of malignant tumors.

We all have them. You know, the song that, when it comes on the radio, makes you want to dive for the controls and change the station, if not grab the nearest shotgun and blow away the entire receiver.

I had never thought much about these songs as a group. That is, until my trusty office assistant, Carol, was planning her daughter’s wedding.

As she relayed the story to me, besides telling the D.J. what kinds of songs they DID want to hear at the reception, they also presented him with a so-called “Do Not Play” list (not to be confused with the government’s “Do Not Fly” list, which I believe lists the name of every American with a dark complexion or a name that sounds even vaguely Islamic).

Anyway, this “Do Not Play” list consisted of songs that the family in no way wanted to hear played at the big event, upon penalty of death (not to mention a “stop payment” order on the D.J.’s check).

This was all new to me. But as I thought about it, I could easily name a bunch of otherwise popular songs that make me reach for the barf bag every time I hear them. (Note: songs can only make this list if they are otherwise “popular,” i.e. (a) some radio stations still play them and (b) some other people actually like them).

Here are some selections from my own personal “Bottom Ten” list, in no particular order:

1. “Seasons in the Sun.” This one-hit wonder, recording by somebody named Terry Jacks, has always nauseated me with its simple, insipid lyrics. Especially in the chorus, which goes something like: “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time.”

This constitutes, in my humble opinion, some of the worst poetry ever set to music, at least before the start of the Rap era. (Oddly enough, I occasionally find myself involuntarily singing the chorus to this song, a sure sign of a “Bottom Ten” selection. Except I sing it, “…but my son had the runs, now the seasons are all done.”

2. “The Pina Colada Song.” This Rupert Holmes ditty– alternately titled “Escape” (which is exactly what I want to do when I hear it) – is a double threat, in that it barfs me out with both its lyrics and its musical accompaniment (which sounds like it’s being played on a $39.99 Wal-Mart electronic keyboard). Besides hating it with a passion, this number also causes me to have flashbacks of bad polyester Disco shirts, guys with too much chest hair, and 70’s pick-up bars where you had to show your divorce papers at the door to get in.

On the bright side: blasting this song continuously through loudspeakers would break the most recalcitrant prisoner at Guantanamo in less than 24 hours.

3. “Feelings.” This little number, recorded (and perhaps also written) by the forgettable Albert Morris, is another little ditty that our military’s “psy-ops” units could make good use of to clear out those caves in the Pakistani border regions. To quote the incredibly meaningful closing lyrics (from the unofficial lyrics web site, no less), “Feelings, wo-o-o, feelings, wo-o-o, feelings, again in my arms (repeat and fade).” I’d prefer to see it fade totally. As in forever.

4. Anything by Barry Manilow. ‘nuff said.

5. Theme from “Barney.” I love a good children’s song, which is why I absolutely HATE this song. It doesn’t help that they stole the melody from a song on which the copyright long ago expired (you’ll recognize it as “This Old Man”), lest they actually have to pay money to a living, breathing songwriter (and thus keep him or her from starving for another couple of months).

The only thing more annoying than that song are the phony-baloney smiles of the kids who appear on the show with that dopey purple reptile.

(Note: We keep a copy of this song around the house, just in case one of us accidentally swallows poison).

# posted by Barry @ 11:34 PM 0 comments

Okay, okay, so apparently we can’t “Cut and Run” over in Iraq.

I’ve been hearing this for the last three years from President Bush, who – after his party got booted out of the majority in Congress – has apparently figured out that, gee whiz, things aren’t going all that well over there after all.

And I’ve also been hearing the same from a lot of Democratic politicians, who – while they’re correct in saying that the administration should never have gotten us into this mess in the first place – seem unable to figure out an acceptable way to get out of there.

So does this mean that, just like with Vietnam, more brave American servicemen and women will continue to get shot up while the politicians waste time looking for a way to save face? It sure looks that way.

Rather than wait for those geniuses down in Washington to figure this thing out, we at the Barry Rabin Center for Strategic Initiatives and Hair Club for Men have put our heads together and come up with a few alternatives that would speed things up:

“Slice-and-Walk-Really-Fast.” Since we apparently can’t “Cut and Run,” it only makes sense that we should find something really, really close to it that allows us to bail out on the double, while still being able to deny that we Cut-and-Ran. I figure this is as close as it gets. Those Hum-vees can drive in reverse, can’t they?

Declare victory and go home. Since the President keeps saying we have to “stay the course” until we win, why not just declare victory and go home? So how about we have our guys hang up a giant “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” banner and… ooh, why does that sound so familiar???

Redeploy our troops. “Redeploy” is a word I’ve been hearing more and more on the T.V. news shows lately. I’m not positive, but I think it means to move them somewhere else. In that case, I’m all for redeploying the troops. Like maybe to Ohio…

Send in all female troops. I know that some of the military brass still have objections to women serving on the front lines in a combat zone. But I say we send over some all female units, and then let our commanders choose which soldiers go out on raids based on who’s going through “that time of the month.” I for one would be terrified to fight against such a fully-armed “PMS Attack Force,” and I suspect that even the Iraqi insurgents wouldn’t want to go up against them either.

Start another war somewhere else. I think the rulebook says that if another war pops up somewhere else, it’s O.K. to “redeploy” and go there. Am I talking about North Korea? Iran? Are you crazy?! I figure Grenada or Panama could use another butt-whooping right about now. Which means we could wrap things up quickly and have everyone home for the holidays.

Have all of our troops put in for vacation at the same time. In the private sector, employers make sure to give their employees paid vacation time, thus allowing them to de-stress and unwind from their jobs. So why should our soldiers, sailors and marines be any different? If they all pick the same week, there wouldn’t be any U.S. troops left to shoot at, and we could probably then just keep them home for good. And to those who fear that Iraq will descend into factional fighting and mass killings if we leave now? You apparently haven’t been watching the news.

Change the name of the “Coalition of the Willing.” The Bushies came up with this moniker to describe the patchwork of countries who were willing to send troops to Iraq, after NATO allies like France and Germany said “Thanks but no thanks.” Perhaps if they’d just change the name to something like “The Coalition of the Not-Nearly-As-Willing-As-We-Used-To-Be,” we could then get out of Dodge a whole lot faster.

And to those of you who think these ideas are ridiculous? Just send your better idea to the email address below, and I’ll be happy to forward it to the Iraq Study Group.

And what does the winner get? How ‘bout a two-week vacation in the Baghdad “Green Zone?!”

© 2006 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

# posted by Barry @ 9:04 PM 0 comments

The change comes after days of nonstop coverage of the Georgia woman who disappeared without a trace due to pre-wedding jitters. CNN has covered the story around the clock, from its news broadcasts to the Larry King Show to even a special hour-long report on Saturday night.

Says a CNN exec, “We’ve come to realize that minor issues like the war in Iraq, nuclear proliferation, the impending collapse of the Social Security system and the millions of Americans who don’t have basic health coverage pale in comparison to a twenty-something girl who leaves the groom waiting at the altar and a wedding cake for 600 getting stale. We’re pleased to have finally found our new focus.”

The change will be official once actor James Earl Jones can record the new “You’re watching RBC!” station identification voice-over.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

# posted by Barry @ 10:48 PM 6 comments

Vatican City – German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope yesterday after reportedly taking the swimsuit and talent competitions in the super-secret papal selection procedure.

Said a Vatican insider, “I can’t say he was the most talented of the Cardinals. But when he flashed those pearly-whites while tap-dancing and singing ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’ in Latin, you knew it was only a matter of time.”

The swimsuit event clinched it, disclosed the insider. “He may be 78, but he’s got the body of a 35-year-old. And a pumped one at that!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

# posted by Barry @ 10:29 PM 0 comments