OBAMA PUSHES STRIPPED-DOWN HEALTH PLAN

Washington - President Barack Obama, who one year ago promised he would help push through historic legislation to provide critical health care coverage for the more than 45 million uninsured Americans, today announced he would try to push through a significantly stripped-down health care bill.

After losing most of its original provisions to opposition from Republicans, conservative Democrats, health insurance companies, drug companies, doctors and trial lawyers groups, the bill that remains would guarantee every American the right to free aspirin and Band-Aids. Amputations will also be covered in case of trouble with an arm or a leg, provided that they are not performed in a hospital or by medical professionals.

Said one Democratic Congressman, "It may not be quite what we wanted. But hey, I guess this is the best we're gonna get."

Meanwhile, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed to fight the Band-Aids provision, stating that, "Once you give these Democrats Band-Aids, the next thing you know they'll be wanting Preparation H as well!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.