Monday, January 24, 2005


In a post-inaugural speech today, President Bush acknowledged that his policies are not without their critics, and promised to make changes in his second term. A few of the changes announced by the White House:

· The voltage attached to Iraqi prisoners’ genitals will be reduced from “AC” to “DC.”

· The U.S. would no longer launch preemptive military attacks on nations the White House suspects of having “weapons of mass destruction,” but instead would limit them to only countries they “kinda sorta think they’re really sure” have them.

· Restrictions on funding for stem cell research will be eased to allow more research on those diseases affecting mostly Republicans.

· Vice President Dick Cheney will be allowed out of his bunker once a year to attend the annual Halliburton stockholders meeting.

· Presidential “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” aircraft carrier landings will be limited to wars we’ve actually won.

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