IRAQI BOBSLED TEAM FAILS TO FINISH

Vancouver, B.C. - The Iraqi Olympic bobsled team failed to finish any of its runs today at the Vancouver Winter Olympics.

The problem arose as members of the team fought amongst themselves while their sled, paid for with U.S. taxpayer funds, sped down the track out of control and flipped over again and again.

The four team members -- among them a Sunni, Shi'ite, and Kurdish Iraqi, as well as a U.S. advisor -- reportedly couldn't agree on how to steer the sled. Instead, the Iraqi members proceeded to try to push each other out of the sled, while the U.S. advisor tried in vain to convince them to all head in the right direction.

Said an Iraq expert from the Brookings Institution, "It's clear that things aren't going well for the Iraqi side. Perhaps what's needed is a surge of additional Americans on the sled to help get the Iraqis to play nice with each other."

For his part, President Obama, when asked for comment, promised that the American member of the bobsled team would be coming home in twelve to eighteen months.