SHARPTON PROTESTS EXCLUSION OF BLACKS FROM HOME SECURITY COMMERCIALS

Hollywood - Black activist Reverend Al Sharpton held a news conference today in this entertainment capital to protest what he called "the total and systematic exclusion of African-American actors from home security system commercials."

Speaking while flanked by a phalanx of African-American actors, Sharpton said, "If you look closely at these commercials, they all have one thing in common: a lily-white actor playing the thug who tries to break into the house and attack the young girl who lives there. I just cannot accept that a Black man can't play a dangerous home attacker every bit as convincingly as a White actor can."

To drive home his point, Sharpton called upon John Braxton, an accomplished stage actor who trained with the Royal Shakespeare Company, to speak. Said Braxton, "This is an outrage! If I can play Hamlet, I can certainly play a sex-crazed home invasion attacker."

When reached for comment, Brinks Home Security issued a written statement, stating: "We want the public to know that we have heard from the Reverend Sharpton, and we have already directed our advertising agency to conduct focus groups to see if the public would find an African-American attacker at all believable. If we conclude that they might, we would naturally try our best to introduce more diversity into our roster of attackers."

Meanwhile, former NAACP Executive Director Julian Bond, when informed of Sharpton's new campaign, proceeded to bang his head against the wall.

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

IRS DENIES EXTENSION FOR IRATE PILOT

Washington - IRS officials today announced that they would not be granting a tax-filing extension to the man who crashed his small airplane into an IRS office building in Austin, Texas on Thursday.

Said an IRS spokesman, "The only way to get a filing extension is to fill out and file Form 4868, which gives the taxpayer an automatic extension of up to six months to file a return. Since Mr. Stack failed to do that, his return will be due by April 15th like everybody else's."

Joseph Stack, a 53-year-old software engineer, reportedly flew his Cessna into the office building in protest of a dispute he was having with the tax agency. He had also reportedly had a domestic argument, and burned his house down earlier that morning.

Said one tax expert, "Obviously the guy had a bad day. But they'll still make you file the form. And I don't think being dead gets you out of it."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GORE ANNOUNCES CAMPAIGN AGAINST "GLOBAL COOLING"

Washington - Former Vice President Al Gore today announced that he is giving up his campaign against global warming, and starting a new campaign to end what he calls "global cooling."

Said Gore, "After the many recent blizzards and cold snaps we've had in the United States this winter, even in the Deep South, I have slowly come to the realization that the earth is now cooling at an alarming pace. We have to do something to stop this right now."

Gore already has a book and movie in development on the subject. Tentatively titled "An Even More Inconvenient Truth," they will describe what Gore says is the newest and most frightening risk to our planet. In an interview, he emphasized to reporters the seriousness of the phenomenon, saying, "If we don't take bold and decisive steps to stop this soon, it may eventually affect our ability to take beach vacations and shoot Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions."

No polar bears could be reached for comment before press time.

IRAQI BOBSLED TEAM FAILS TO FINISH

Vancouver, B.C. - The Iraqi Olympic bobsled team failed to finish any of its runs today at the Vancouver Winter Olympics.

The problem arose as members of the team fought amongst themselves while their sled, paid for with U.S. taxpayer funds, sped down the track out of control and flipped over again and again.

The four team members -- among them a Sunni, Shi'ite, and Kurdish Iraqi, as well as a U.S. advisor -- reportedly couldn't agree on how to steer the sled. Instead, the Iraqi members proceeded to try to push each other out of the sled, while the U.S. advisor tried in vain to convince them to all head in the right direction.

Said an Iraq expert from the Brookings Institution, "It's clear that things aren't going well for the Iraqi side. Perhaps what's needed is a surge of additional Americans on the sled to help get the Iraqis to play nice with each other."

For his part, President Obama, when asked for comment, promised that the American member of the bobsled team would be coming home in twelve to eighteen months.

OBAMA TAKES CREDIT FOR NORTHEAST BLIZZARDS

Washington - President Barack Obama today took credit for the two back-to-back blizzards that crippled the Eastern United States over the past week, closing schools, government offices and even the U.S. Congress.

Said Obama, "When I first proposed my economic stimulus program, I promised there would be lots of shovel-ready projects. One only need look outside their window today to see that my administration has delivered on that promise. So if your shovel isn't already ready, you'd better get it ready and get out there!"

In a semi-related story, Democratic and Republican members of the Senate, which failed to convene today due to the harsh winter weather, held a snowball fight on the Capitol steps. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who headed up the Democratic team, was overheard complaining that the teams weren't fairly balanced.

Said Reid, according to an observer, "Hey, there's 41 of them, and only 59 of us. We're outnumbered!"

Meanwhile, Congress-watchers noted that, despite being out of session, the Congress accomplished as much as they do when they are.

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

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TOYOTA TO RECALL FOR VANITY MIRROR DEFECT

Toyota Motor Company of America today announced that it will recall more than 2 million vehicles to inspect them for a possible vanity mirror defect.

The mirrors, which are embedded into the sun visors on the passenger side of the vehicles, can reportedly become distorted, causing female passengers checking their makeup to scream abruptly, thus frightening the driver and causing a possible fatal collision.

Said a Toyota spokeman, Toshiro Tashimoto, "Until an effective repair has been developed, we recommend that all owners wrap duct tape around the mirror to prevent its use. Or just stop checking yourself out so much." He then plunged a Samurai sword into his midsection.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, upon hearing the news, stated, "If I were an owner of one of these vehicles, I would immediately panic, remove the engine from the vehicle and weld the doors shut."