Monday, February 28, 2005
AUTHORITIES FLUB “B.T.K. KILLER” TIPS
Wichita, Kansas – In the wake of an arrest in the “B.T.K.” serial killer case, law enforcement officials here in Kansas have admitted that they mishandled an important lead in the investigation.
Specifically, local police – as well as F.B.I. agents – mistook the phrase “B.T.K. Killer” for the term “B.K. Griller.” As a result, they have spent the past 25 years staking out local Burger King restaurants.
Said one detective sheepishly, “Yeah, I guess we could have caught him a little sooner. But hey, the free coffee and burgers were worth it!”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Friday, February 25, 2005
HARVARD PRESIDENT PLANS SEX CHANGE
Cambridge, Mass. – In the wake of the furor over a controversial statement he had made about the lack of women in the sciences, Harvard President Lawrence Summers has promised to undergo a sex change operation by the end of the year.
Said Summers in a news conference, “I sincerely regret my remarks, and plan to have female genitalia and breasts surgically installed as soon as possible.”
As for whether this will be enough to quiet calls for the president’s resignation, one faculty member remarked, “I expect that this will cut off some of the debate. Not to mention a few other things!”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
BIRDS WARNED OF RISK OF HUMAN FLU
Atlanta – The Centers for Disease Control today issued a warning to all birds that a significant risk exists that the “Human Flu” could mutate and be spread to birds.
“We want all of you ducks, chickens and other poultry out there to be aware that the Human Flu could pose a serious risk to your health,” said Dr. C. Ken Cacciatore, head of the CDC’s Human Flu Research Department.
Dr. Cacciatore went on to say that a new flu vaccine was being developed that would address such a mutated virus. The vaccine reportedly will be given on a priority basis to those birds who are over 65, under two or reside in retirement golf communities.
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
CHIRAC “SLIPS TONGUE” TO BUSH IN SHOW OF FRIENDSHIP
Brussels, Belgium – In a rare showing of friendship and unity, French President Jacques Chirac “slipped the tongue” to President George W. Bush to cap a full day of productive talks between the two leaders.
Chirac, who has been at odds with Bush since the U.S. decided to invade Iraq despite French opposition, surprised onlookers and members of the press corps when, after exchanging the obligatory European kiss-on-both-cheeks, he then went straight for Mr. Bush’s lips and deftly flicked out his tongue.
Said a surprised Bush later, “I guess that goes to show that our trans-Atlantic alliance is still strong after all. And Laura could sure take a lesson from that French fella!”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Monday, February 21, 2005
BUSH MAY BE WILLING TO CONSIDER TAXING REPUBLICANS
Washington – In a shocking departure from his earlier policies, President Bush has reportedly let it be known that he might be willing to consider the concept of taxing Republicans as part of a compromise to fix the doomed Social Security system.
The news comes as a surprise to most administration watchers, who until now had interpreted the president’s policies, such as cutting tax rates for top income earners and reducing taxes on investment windfalls, as back-door attempts to keep taxes on wealthy Republicans to a bare minimum.
Said a high-ranking administration official who refused to be identified by name, rank or prostate size, “Believe me, we hope it won’t come to this.”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
DEMOCRATS CHOOSE NEW PARTY SLOGAN
Washington – On the heels of selecting former presidential candidate Howard Dean as their new party chairman, the Democratic National Committee has chosen a new party slogan. The new campaign battle cry: “Yeowww!!!”
The cheer, made famous by Dean in his memorable Iowa Caucuses concession speech, topped the list of entries voted on by top party leaders yesterday. Other entries included “Be a bore, vote for Gore,” “We’re Number Two, and fading,” and a long-shot, “Democrats: The Other White Meat.”
Ironically, Dean himself, a family physician before he entered politics, had a different choice. His entry, “Now bend over – this might be a little uncomfortable,” reportedly received only one vote.
©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Friday, February 18, 2005
GREENSPAN FARTS, SENDS MARKETS TUMBLING
Washington
Greenspan, who was testifying in front of the House Committee on Economic Confusion, reportedly let loose with an audible blast just as he was finishing his semi-annual report. Ten minutes later, the Dow Jones Industrials had already lost 500 points.
A Fed spokesman later in the day assured reporters that the chairman’s “irrational exuberance was due to an excess of Mexican food at lunch, not to any specific concerns about the economic recovery,” saying that Mr. Greenspan had “merely lost the handle on that big boy.”
By 3:00 p.m., the markets had recovered significantly.
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
ISRAEL: IRAN WILL HAVE ABILITY TO MAKE BAD T.V. REALITY SHOWS IN 6 MONTHS
The news came as a shock to many in the audience, who had assumed up until now that the best the Iranians could put together was a Jerry Springer knockoff show in Farsi.
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
POPE "PISSED OFF" ABOUT HOSPITAL BILL
Rome
The Pope, who has spoken out in the past about such medical issues as abortion, birth control and embryonic research, was livid after learning that he would be forced to pay the first $300 in inpatient charges, plus ten dollars a day for T.V. and telephone service.
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Monday, February 07, 2005
GROUPS PROTEST “CLEAN” HALFTIME SHOW
Said a spokesman for the coalition, “We are completely shocked and outraged that our young people would be subjected to a display of such wholesome and non-sexual entertainment during a major sporting event such as this one. Where were the crotch-grabbing, nipple-flashing and sexual content we've come to expect?”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
MAYORS SWAP SUPER BOWL BETS
Philadelphia - In a long-standing tradition, the mayors of the two teams playing in this Sunday’s Super Bowl have made a friendly wager of things their respective cities are noted for.
If the Philadelphia Eagles win, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino has promised Philadelphia a huge, multi-billion-dollar road construction project that leaks water and will take years to complete. If New England wins, Philadelphia Mayor John Street will award no-bid city contracts to politically-connected Bostonians.
Said a spokesman for one of the mayors, "Either way, the bucks stop here!"
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Friday, February 04, 2005
PRESIDENT PROPOSES PERSONAL PET FOOD ACCOUNTS
“We cannot keep the current system in place for the younger generation without taking such drastic steps as changing my tax plan, adjusting the retirement age to reflect reality and having high-income earners pay Social Security tax on all of their earnings,” said the president.
“With personal pet food accounts, we can at least guarantee that there will always be a source of protein for those retirees who don’t have oil profits, Halliburton stock or big corporate pensions.”
Echoed an administration official, “Keep in mind that pet food has not just meat, but important meat by-products.”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
CONGRESSMAN GOOFS AT STATE OF THE UNION
Washington – A Democratic Congressman found himself in hot water during last night’s “State of the Union” address after standing up to applaud at the wrong time.
Congressman Alfredo Guadeloupe (D – California) endured the scorn of his Democratic colleagues when he chose the wrong moment during President Bush’s speech to rise to his feet.
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
JACKSON DEMANDS JURY OF HIS PEERS
Santa Maria, California – Defending himself against charges of child molestation and related offenses, pop star Michael Jackson today demanded to be tried before a “jury of his peers” at his upcoming trial, for which jury selection began this week.
Legal sources said that in order to do this, the court would have to come up with a panel of "twelve noseless, bleached-skinned, African-American has-been pop stars with surgically deformed faces and their own multi-acre zoo."
A source close to the prosecution said they are optimistic that such a jury can be found in short order. "This is, after all, California," said the source.
When asked how he thought he would do against the criminal indictment, Jackson reportedly stated that he would “beat it. Beat it, beat, it, beat it.”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
JANET JACKSON'S LEFT BREAST SUES NFL
Jacksonville
Jackson, who incurred the wrath of government regulators and parents groups alike last year when she exposed her right breast during the halftime show, is trying to get the courts to force the NFL to allow her back on the show during this year’s game.
Booked for the show instead is former Beatle Paul McCartney, who is expected to perform an entire song without exposing himself.
Said lead attorney Johnny Cochran, “If the bra isn’t gone, the show can’t go on!”
© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.
