BIRDS WARNED OF RISK OF HUMAN FLU

Atlanta – The Centers for Disease Control today issued a warning to all birds that a significant risk exists that the “Human Flu” could mutate and be spread to birds.

“We want all of you ducks, chickens and other poultry out there to be aware that the Human Flu could pose a serious risk to your health,” said Dr. C. Ken Cacciatore, head of the CDC’s Human Flu Research Department.

Dr. Cacciatore went on to say that a new flu vaccine was being developed that would address such a mutated virus. The vaccine reportedly will be given on a priority basis to those birds who are over 65, under two or reside in retirement golf communities.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GREENSPAN FARTS, SENDS MARKETS TUMBLING

Washington – An unexpected fart from the rear end of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan sent the U.S. financial markets tumbling today.

Greenspan, who was testifying in front of the House Committee on Economic Confusion, reportedly let loose with an audible blast just as he was finishing his semi-annual report. Ten minutes later, the Dow Jones Industrials had already lost 500 points.

A Fed spokesman later in the day assured reporters that the chairman’s “irrational exuberance was due to an excess of Mexican food at lunch, not to any specific concerns about the economic recovery,” saying that Mr. Greenspan had “merely lost the handle on that big boy.”

By 3:00 p.m., the markets had recovered significantly.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

ISRAEL: IRAN WILL HAVE ABILITY TO MAKE BAD T.V. REALITY SHOWS IN 6 MONTHS

Jerusalem – In a speech televised across the country and around Europe, Israeli Defense Minister Dossi ben Dover disclosed that Iran will have the ability to produce really bad T.V. “reality shows” within the next six months.

The news came as a shock to many in the audience, who had assumed up until now that the best the Iranians could put together was a Jerry Springer knockoff show in Farsi.

Said the minister, “I don’t have to tell you how much damage could be done once our airwaves are filled with shows like ‘Who’ll Marry My Imam,’ ‘Jihadi Survivor’ and ‘The Ayatollah’s Apprentice.’”

While European leaders expressed shock and outrage at the news, U.S. officials seemed less concerned. Said one, “Fortunately they lack the technology to deliver such lethal weapons this far away.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GROUPS PROTEST “CLEAN” HALFTIME SHOW

Jacksonville – A coalition of atheist and satanic-worship organizations today deluged the Federal Communications Commission with complaints about yesterday’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Said a spokesman for the coalition, “We are completely shocked and outraged that our young people would be subjected to a display of such wholesome and non-sexual entertainment during a major sporting event such as this one. Where were the crotch-grabbing, nipple-flashing and sexual content we've come to expect?”

The complaints come in start contrast to last year’s uproar by religious groups, who protested singer Janet Jackson’s split-second breast flashing.

Responded outgoing FCC Chairman Michael Powell, “I guess you can’t please everyone. Maybe I'll call a news conference and drop my pants to make up for it.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

MAYORS SWAP SUPER BOWL BETS

Philadelphia - In a long-standing tradition, the mayors of the two teams playing in this Sunday’s Super Bowl have made a friendly wager of things their respective cities are noted for.

If the Philadelphia Eagles win, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino has promised Philadelphia a huge, multi-billion-dollar road construction project that leaks water and will take years to complete. If New England wins, Philadelphia Mayor John Street will award no-bid city contracts to politically-connected Bostonians.

Said a spokesman for one of the mayors, "Either way, the bucks stop here!"


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

PRESIDENT PROPOSES PERSONAL PET FOOD ACCOUNTS

Oat Park, Ohio – In the wake of his State of the Union speech promising changes in Social Security for America’s younger workers, President Bush today laid out his proposal for personal pet food accounts for all workers under age 55.

“We cannot keep the current system in place for the younger generation without taking such drastic steps as changing my tax plan, adjusting the retirement age to reflect reality and having high-income earners pay Social Security tax on all of their earnings,” said the president.

“With personal pet food accounts, we can at least guarantee that there will always be a source of protein for those retirees who don’t have oil profits, Halliburton stock or big corporate pensions.”

Echoed an administration official, “Keep in mind that pet food has not just meat, but important meat by-products.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

CONGRESSMAN GOOFS AT STATE OF THE UNION

Washington – A Democratic Congressman found himself in hot water during last night’s “State of the Union” address after standing up to applaud at the wrong time.

Congressman Alfredo Guadeloupe (D – California) endured the scorn of his Democratic colleagues when he chose the wrong moment during President Bush’s speech to rise to his feet.

Said the Congressman, “He kept talking about motherhood and apple pie and the flag, and we all got up, both sides of the aisle, and applauded. Next thing I knew he had slipped in that part about euthanizing the poor and handicapped, and I was on my feet clapping before I knew it. Boy, did I have egg on my face!”

While the misstep has made Guadeloupe an overnight pariah to his fellow Democrats, sources say the Bush Administration plans to offer him a job as Undersecretary of Health and Human Services.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

JANET JACKSON'S LEFT BREAST SUES NFL

Jacksonville – In what some court watchers say is an unprecedented move, attorneys for pop star Janet Jackson’s left breast filed a 32-count civil suit against the National Football League claiming discrimination for refusing to feature it in this year’s planned Super Bowl halftime show.

Jackson, who incurred the wrath of government regulators and parents groups alike last year when she exposed her right breast during the halftime show, is trying to get the courts to force the NFL to allow her back on the show during this year’s game.

Booked for the show instead is former Beatle Paul McCartney, who is expected to perform an entire song without exposing himself.

Said lead attorney Johnny Cochran, “If the bra isn’t gone, the show can’t go on!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.