CONGRESSMAN SHUNNED AFTER PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

Washington - Congressman Millard P. Bupkus (R - Iowa) was shunned by his fellow Republicans after last night's State of the Union address, after he reportedly clapped three different times and stood up once while only Democrats were clapping and standing.

Bupkus, a freshman congressman from Ruthven, IA, was apparently unaware that he was only supposed to clap or stand after lines that the Republican leadership had pre-approved as clap-worthy or stand-worthy.

"I just don't know what got into me," said an embarrassed Bupkus. "I mean, I got it right on the 'America is still the greatest nation on the face of the earth' line. But I guess I got carried away after the president said he 'didn't come here to Washington to engage in partisan bickering, he came here to solve problems for the people of this great country' line."

The State of the Union address is known for its carefully choreographed standing and clapping maneuvers, during which the opposition party is careful to stand and clap only for certain of the president's lines and not for others.

Said a sympathetic fellow legislator, "You have to feel a little bad for the guy. It's really hard to know which platitudes to clap for and which ones not to. It took me a couple of terms before I got it right."

In a related story, three TV cameramen were hospitalized after being temporarily blinded by Vice President Joe Biden's over-whitened teeth.

OBAMA CHANGES SLOGAN AMID MOUNTING CHALLENGES

During his “State of the Union” speech tonight, President Barack Obama is expected to announce that he is changing his official campaign slogan from “Yes we can!” to “Okay, I still think we might be able to, but hey, I could be wrong about this.”

The switch, adopted in the face of crushing deficits, high unemployment and the difficulties encountered in trying to get anything done in Washington these days, is in marked contrast to the kind of optimism Obama showed during his 2008 campaign.

Sources inside the Obama White House say that a number of other possible slogans were considered before the decision was made. Among them: “Holy crap, this place is impossible!” and “Who do I have to sleep with to get out of this business?!!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

NBC PAYS JANITOR $3 MILLION NOT TO CLEAN

Los Angeles – Executives at NBC announced today that the network will pay janitorial employee Floyd "Bubba" Lumpkin $3 million not to clean for them anymore.

The network, which recently announced a deal to pay host Conan O’Brien upwards of $40 million to leave the Tonight Show, said in a written statement that “We feel that this agreement will resolve all remaining issues in an amicable manner between us and Mr. Lumpkin.”

The deal does not come without strings, however. Under its terms, says a source familiar with the negotiations, Lumpkin is not allowed to work for a year, and is not permitted to criticize NBC in public.

Said Lumpkin, “Criticize them? I LOVE those guys!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

DEMS PLAN TO DIG UP KENNEDY TO VOTE ON HEALTH BILL

Washington – A group of Senate Democrats has announced that they plan to exhume the late Senator Edward Kennedy’s body in order to allow him to be the 60th vote for the proposed Democratic health care bill.

Says Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “This was Ted Kennedy’s signature issue. It’s only fitting that he be allowed to cast a vote for it.”

The unprecedented plan comes in the wake of the loss of Kennedy’s former Senate seat in Massachusetts to a Republican. The scheme was immediately criticized by Republicans, who argue that a dead person can’t cast a valid vote in the U.S. Congress.

Democrats, however, counter that measurable brain activity has never been a requirement to be a voting member of Congress.

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

BUSH PRAISES “BROWNIE” FOR “HECK OF A JOB” IN HAITI EARTHQUAKE RESPONSE

Crawford, Texas - Former President George W. Bush, when asked for an initial comment about how the situation was going in Haiti in the wake of the catastrophic earthquake that struck last week, immediately commended former FEMA head Michael D. Brown.

“Brownie’s doing a heck of a job down there in Haiti. I’m confident that everything’s going just fine.”

When reminded by a reporter that Brown hasn’t worked for FEMA since September of 2005, when he resigned in the face of harsh criticism of the federal government’s anemic response to Hurricane Katrina, Bush at first looked confused.

He then replied, “Like most Americans, the Haitianarians will pick themselves up by their bootstraps and figure this thing out. And Laura and I plan to drive down there from Texas tomorrow to check things out for ourselves.”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

PALIN UNABLE TO NAME GOVERNOR OF ALASKA

Former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was reportedly unable to name the governor of Alaska during the 2008 presidential campaign, according to unnamed sources.

The sources, who spoke to reporters Mark Halperin of Time Magazine and John Heilemann of New York Magazine on condition of anonymity, gave a number of instances in which John McCain’s V.P. pick appeared to be woefully unversed in matters of national and world interest.

“I think the low point,” said one source, “was when she was eating breakfast in a diner in New Hampshire, and expressed surprise that the French toast special was only $3.99, since “it had to be imported all the way from Europe!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

HARRY REID APOLOGIZES FOR COMMENTS ABOUT OBAMA

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) apologized today for a comment he apparently made about President Obama during the presidential race last year.

“When I said that he was more electable because he was a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect, I did not mean to imply that he was, in fact, light-skinned, African-American, or spoke with any sort of dialect,” said Reid, who is facing a tough re-election campaign in Nevada.

“In conclusion, I would like to apologize to anyone who was in any way offended by anything I did or did not say.”

Republicans immediately pounced on Reid, saying that there was a double standard when Democrats made comments about race.

In other Congressional news, a resolution in favor of motherhood narrowly failed to pass both houses, as neither Democrats nor Republicans could agree on the wording.

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

CANDIDATE "I WANT TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH MY FAMILY!"

Washington - Congressman Lloyd P. Snorkheimer (R - North Dakota) has announced that he will be running for reelection next fall, stating that he wants to "spend less time with my family."

He is believed to be the first candidate in modern times to make such a candid public statement. More typical have been announcements by politicians disgraced by sex scandals, federal indictments or bone-headed public comments that they won't be running in order to spend more time with their families.

Says Snorkheimer, "My wife's a pain in the tush, my kids play their music way too loud, and I'm frankly having a lot more fun here in Washington than I ever could freezing my butt off in Bismarck! I guess I don't care who knows it, either!"

AIRLINE TO ADD PER-BOMB CHARGE FOR MOST INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS

Northwest Airlines has announced that passengers will soon have to pay extra to bring bombs on board flights.

"The airport screeners obviously can't detect these things," said one airline executive. "So the best thing we can do is to at least make these guys pay an extra fee to help defray our costs."

The executive went on to list a number of extra expense items his airline might have to incur again in the future, including replacing burned blankets, recharging fire extinguishers and reupholstering seats scorched by defective "pants bombs."

An al Qaida spokesman in Yemen immediately denounced the new policy, pointing out that "We already pay enough for those same day tickets, plus we pay in cash, so we save the airlines the cut the credit card companies take. So where do they get off hitting us with extra fees?"

The spokesman went on to say that if al Qaida wasn't trying to accumulate enough travel miles to go to Disneyworld next year, they would pull their business and switch to another airline.