IRAQI ELECTION WINNER DEMANDS RECOUNT

Ramadi – The man who has been declared the unofficial top vote-getter in Al Anbar Province in yesterday’s Iraqi election has called today for a recount.

A spokesman for Ahmed Kartooni, the candidate from the “Iraqi Schvitz Baath” party, insisted that irregularities in the vote count had skewed the results.

Said the spokesman, who declined to appear on or off camera, “This is a perversion of justice which cannot stand. There’s no way our man won this thing fair and square. We demand a recount!”

There’s been no word yet on whether such a recount will be granted, or what the value of one would be, since Mr. Kartooni ran unopposed.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

D.A. SEEKS DEATH FOR SUICIDAL MAN

Los Angeles – A California district attorney announced today that he will seek the death penalty for a suicidal man who drove his vehicle onto the railroad tracks in an attempt to kill himself, but instead caused a catastrophic passenger train crash.

Said the D.A., “I know that the death penalty is a harsh punishment, but we need to put these people to death in order to deter other suicidal people from trying to kill themselves in the future.”

Sister Helen Prejean, a vocal death penalty opponent and author of the book “Dead Man Walking,” responded to the news by telling reporters, “Yeah, we might need to fry this one.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

IRAQ POLLING PLACES SECRET UNTIL AFTER THE VOTE

Baghdad – In an effort to minimize the number of attacks on polling places before and during Sunday’s election, the Iraqi provisional government has announced that the location of all polling places will be kept top-secret until the day after the election.

When asked by reporters if that wouldn’t make it difficult for Iraqis to find a place to cast their ballots, a spokesman replied, “Hey, I’m just provisional. Ask the new guy on Monday!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin – All rights reserved.

BROKERAGE FIRMS AGREE TO SCREW EVERYONE EQUALLY

New York - In a landmark announcement, four of the country’s largest brokerage firms have agreed to treat all of their investors unfairly, no matter how big or profitable they are.

The announcement came on the heels of an ongoing investigation by New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer that cited instances where favored clients were given unfair early access to hot I.P.O.s, and analysts touted stocks they privately believed were garbage just to curry favor with investment banking clients.

Under the new consent order, the four firms have agreed to charge excessive brokerage fees, hide commissions on bonds in the sale price, and make “buy” recommendations on stocks with dubious prospects to all clients, regardless of size or close connection with the firm.

A Wall Street source called the deal “a good step in the wrong direction.”

ADMINISTRATION FINALLY ADMITS MISTAKE IN IRAQ

Washington – After months of refusing to admit any mistakes in the war in Iraq, a member of the Bush Administration has finally conceded one error after intense press pressure.

The surprising admission came in a news release from the Pentagon’s Office of Dining Support. In it, a Pentagon spokesman admitted that the wrong wine was selected for a formal officers’ dinner held in Baghdad last month.

Said the release, “We regret to have to admit that a red wine was served with the Chicken Marsala. Clearly a white would have been more appropriate.”

The White House immediately fired the spokesman.

BUSH PROMISES CHANGES IN SECOND TERM

In a post-inaugural speech today, President Bush acknowledged that his policies are not without their critics, and promised to make changes in his second term. A few of the changes announced by the White House:

· The voltage attached to Iraqi prisoners’ genitals will be reduced from “AC” to “DC.”

· The U.S. would no longer launch preemptive military attacks on nations the White House suspects of having “weapons of mass destruction,” but instead would limit them to only countries they “kinda sorta think they’re really sure” have them.

· Restrictions on funding for stem cell research will be eased to allow more research on those diseases affecting mostly Republicans.

· Vice President Dick Cheney will be allowed out of his bunker once a year to attend the annual Halliburton stockholders meeting.

· Presidential “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” aircraft carrier landings will be limited to wars we’ve actually won.

DONALD TRUMP FIRED ON “THE APPRENTICE”

New York – In a surprising turn of events, brash entrepreneur and star of his own reality show Donald Trump was fired from the “company” featured on his popular T.V. show “The Apprentice.”

The show, which has gained surprising popularity among America’s white-collar workers, takes two groups of young, hard-charging employees and has them compete against each other to see whose “company” can perform the best.

The highlight of each week’s episode is when Trump personally fires someone from the underperforming company after dressing them down for their alleged incompetence.

In last night’s show, however, all of the contestants got together and pink-slipped Trump, even going so far as to having building security escort him out the front door.

When asked why the sudden turn of events, one contestant explained, ”Hey, the guy’s obviously a sucky manager if he can’t keep any employees. Not to mention the hair!”

RICE PROMISES U.S. WILL TALK BEFORE WAR

Washington – At her confirmation hearing today, National Security Advisor and Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice promised congressional committee members that in its second term, the Bush Administration “would always start by talking to other nations before taking any military action against them.”

When pressed by committee members, Rice admitted that such “talking” might include such phrases as “Hey, we’re gonna bomb you guys!,” “Go ahead, make my day!” and “Betcha can’t spell ‘cruise missile,’ Abdul!”

Committee members promised speedy approval of the nominee.

NADER SUES TO GET ON IRAQI BALLOT

Consumer advocate and two-time presidential loser Ralph Nader has filed suit in a Baghdad court, asking that his name be placed on the ballot in the upcoming Iraqi elections.

Nader, who first reached prominence back in the 1960’s when his book, “Unsafe at Any Speed,” detailed the safety hazards designed into many of America’s motor vehicles, says he plans to make automotive defects a major focus of his Iraqi presidential campaign.

“It’s obvious to me that you’ve got thousands of unsafe vehicles on Iraqi roads and highways,” says Nader. To back up his point, he gave statistics on the numbers of Iraqi cars that have blown up over the past year. “And these cars are especially defective when they get near U.S. military checkpoints and Iraqi police stations.”

Iraqi election officials refused comment on the suit.