HEALTH BILL PASSES, DEATH PANELS TO START ON TUESDAY

Washington - Now that the much-awaited new health care legislation has finally passed in the House of Representatives, the White House has announced that the "death panels" the new law provides for will start operating as soon as next Tuesday.

Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "All of the nonsense you've been hearing since the election about President Obama being a 'secret Muslim' or a non-U.S. citizen is just that, nonsense. But we're really looking forward to setting up those death panels!"

No one is quite sure how the panels will work, but one Obama Administrative official, speaking off the record, hinted that the plug will be pulled first on "Republicans, Fox News commentators and pop singer Alanis Morissette." When asked what the pop singer had to do with opposition to the president's agenda, the source replied "Nothing, she's just whiny and we don't like her."

Meanwhile, the new bill doesn't become law until it is re-approved by the Senate, after which any proposed amendments must be re-re-approved by the House, etc. Said one historian, "Put plenty of change in the meter if you're waiting for THIS one!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

OBAMA PUSHES STRIPPED-DOWN HEALTH PLAN

Washington - President Barack Obama, who one year ago promised he would help push through historic legislation to provide critical health care coverage for the more than 45 million uninsured Americans, today announced he would try to push through a significantly stripped-down health care bill.

After losing most of its original provisions to opposition from Republicans, conservative Democrats, health insurance companies, drug companies, doctors and trial lawyers groups, the bill that remains would guarantee every American the right to free aspirin and Band-Aids. Amputations will also be covered in case of trouble with an arm or a leg, provided that they are not performed in a hospital or by medical professionals.

Said one Democratic Congressman, "It may not be quite what we wanted. But hey, I guess this is the best we're gonna get."

Meanwhile, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed to fight the Band-Aids provision, stating that, "Once you give these Democrats Band-Aids, the next thing you know they'll be wanting Preparation H as well!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

NEW SENATE RULE REQUIRES 102 VOTES

Washington - In a move that surprised Congress-watchers and historians alike, the Senate today enacted a rule that will require that at least 102 Senators vote in favor of any new legislation before it can become law.

Said one perplexed government-watcher, "It was frustrating enough that the filibuster rule required you to get 60 votes for a 'majority' to pass anything new. With this new rule, it looks pretty much hopeless that anything will pass the Congress ever again."

When asked why they didn't settle for 101 votes, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "We knew that in the case of a tie the Vice President can cast the deciding vote. We frankly thought that it was too risky to allow this to happen, especially since that might result in something decisive actually coming out of here."

The new rule was immediately applauded by the National Coalition for Indecision, a group made up of predatory lenders, investment bankers, heavy polluters, health insurance companies and credit card banks, A spokesman for the group, when told of the news, commented, "We're just thrilled to hear that nothing in America is going to change. Nothing. Note even the really awful stuff."

Said Congressional leaders in a joint statement, "This just shows that the bipartisan
spirit is still alive and well here in Washington."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.