NEW BANKRUPTCY BILL INCLUDES MANDATORY ORGAN DONATION

Washington – A new bankruptcy bill passed by the Senate last week would make kidney donation mandatory for all persons seeking protection under the federal bankruptcy laws. The new law has been the subject of intense lobbying by the credit card and banking industries.

Said B. Simon Simpkins, president of the American Association of Credit Squeezers, “There’s absolutely no good reason why a person with two perfectly good kidneys should be able to get out of paying their credit card bills, which our members very generously helped them to get in the first place.”

An earlier version of the bill that included mandatory lung, liver and heart donation failed to pass by a one-vote margin, after industry sources realized that it might leave them with fewer customers.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

DAN RATHER WRONG ABOUT RETIREMENT

New York – CBS newsman Dan Rather, who signed off this week after 24 years in the anchor chair of the CBS Evening News, announced today that reports of his retirement have now turned out to be false.

In a printed statement, Rather said, “It now appears likely that reports of my retirement were premature and unfounded. We at CBS News sincerely apologize for this error in judgment. I’ll be back on the air this coming Monday, just as sure as a pig loves slop.”

Sources behind the scenes at CBS promised a full investigation. While they refused to specify what possible punishments might be meted out, they did not rule out Rather’s termination.

©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

STUDY SHOWS DRIVING IMPAIRS USE OF CELL PHONES

San Enfermo, California – A new study released today shows that driving a car while using a cell phone definitely impairs an individual’s ability to use the phone correctly.

Says one of the study’s authors, Professor Irwin Flugelmayer of the University of California at San Enfermo, “We have long suspected that people who drive while phoning weren’t phoning very well. This study finally gives us proof of it.”

Some examples of inaccurate phone use among those driving cars in the study included punching in as many as five wrong numbers before the right one was obtained, ordering the wrong toppings on take-out pizzas and calling a parent or employer “dude” by accident.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.