Blogging With Barry (Rabin)

Unless you are completely deaf, I’m willing to bet that there are certain popular songs that you – if given the chance – would excise from the surface of the earth like the most unwelcome of malignant tumors.

We all have them. You know, the song that, when it comes on the radio, makes you want to dive for the controls and change the station, if not grab the nearest shotgun and blow away the entire receiver.

I had never thought much about these songs as a group. That is, until my trusty office assistant, Carol, was planning her daughter’s wedding.

As she relayed the story to me, besides telling the D.J. what kinds of songs they DID want to hear at the reception, they also presented him with a so-called “Do Not Play” list (not to be confused with the government’s “Do Not Fly” list, which I believe lists the name of every American with a dark complexion or a name that sounds even vaguely Islamic).

Anyway, this “Do Not Play” list consisted of songs that the family in no way wanted to hear played at the big event, upon penalty of death (not to mention a “stop payment” order on the D.J.’s check).

This was all new to me. But as I thought about it, I could easily name a bunch of otherwise popular songs that make me reach for the barf bag every time I hear them. (Note: songs can only make this list if they are otherwise “popular,” i.e. (a) some radio stations still play them and (b) some other people actually like them).

Here are some selections from my own personal “Bottom Ten” list, in no particular order:

1. “Seasons in the Sun.” This one-hit wonder, recording by somebody named Terry Jacks, has always nauseated me with its simple, insipid lyrics. Especially in the chorus, which goes something like: “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun, but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time.”

This constitutes, in my humble opinion, some of the worst poetry ever set to music, at least before the start of the Rap era. (Oddly enough, I occasionally find myself involuntarily singing the chorus to this song, a sure sign of a “Bottom Ten” selection. Except I sing it, “…but my son had the runs, now the seasons are all done.”

2. “The Pina Colada Song.” This Rupert Holmes ditty– alternately titled “Escape” (which is exactly what I want to do when I hear it) – is a double threat, in that it barfs me out with both its lyrics and its musical accompaniment (which sounds like it’s being played on a $39.99 Wal-Mart electronic keyboard). Besides hating it with a passion, this number also causes me to have flashbacks of bad polyester Disco shirts, guys with too much chest hair, and 70’s pick-up bars where you had to show your divorce papers at the door to get in.

On the bright side: blasting this song continuously through loudspeakers would break the most recalcitrant prisoner at Guantanamo in less than 24 hours.

3. “Feelings.” This little number, recorded (and perhaps also written) by the forgettable Albert Morris, is another little ditty that our military’s “psy-ops” units could make good use of to clear out those caves in the Pakistani border regions. To quote the incredibly meaningful closing lyrics (from the unofficial lyrics web site, no less), “Feelings, wo-o-o, feelings, wo-o-o, feelings, again in my arms (repeat and fade).” I’d prefer to see it fade totally. As in forever.

4. Anything by Barry Manilow. ‘nuff said.

5. Theme from “Barney.” I love a good children’s song, which is why I absolutely HATE this song. It doesn’t help that they stole the melody from a song on which the copyright long ago expired (you’ll recognize it as “This Old Man”), lest they actually have to pay money to a living, breathing songwriter (and thus keep him or her from starving for another couple of months).

The only thing more annoying than that song are the phony-baloney smiles of the kids who appear on the show with that dopey purple reptile.

(Note: We keep a copy of this song around the house, just in case one of us accidentally swallows poison).