Blogging With Barry (Rabin)

Okay, okay, so apparently we can’t “Cut and Run” over in Iraq.

I’ve been hearing this for the last three years from President Bush, who – after his party got booted out of the majority in Congress – has apparently figured out that, gee whiz, things aren’t going all that well over there after all.

And I’ve also been hearing the same from a lot of Democratic politicians, who – while they’re correct in saying that the administration should never have gotten us into this mess in the first place – seem unable to figure out an acceptable way to get out of there.

So does this mean that, just like with Vietnam, more brave American servicemen and women will continue to get shot up while the politicians waste time looking for a way to save face? It sure looks that way.

Rather than wait for those geniuses down in Washington to figure this thing out, we at the Barry Rabin Center for Strategic Initiatives and Hair Club for Men have put our heads together and come up with a few alternatives that would speed things up:

“Slice-and-Walk-Really-Fast.” Since we apparently can’t “Cut and Run,” it only makes sense that we should find something really, really close to it that allows us to bail out on the double, while still being able to deny that we Cut-and-Ran. I figure this is as close as it gets. Those Hum-vees can drive in reverse, can’t they?

Declare victory and go home. Since the President keeps saying we have to “stay the course” until we win, why not just declare victory and go home? So how about we have our guys hang up a giant “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” banner and… ooh, why does that sound so familiar???

Redeploy our troops. “Redeploy” is a word I’ve been hearing more and more on the T.V. news shows lately. I’m not positive, but I think it means to move them somewhere else. In that case, I’m all for redeploying the troops. Like maybe to Ohio…

Send in all female troops. I know that some of the military brass still have objections to women serving on the front lines in a combat zone. But I say we send over some all female units, and then let our commanders choose which soldiers go out on raids based on who’s going through “that time of the month.” I for one would be terrified to fight against such a fully-armed “PMS Attack Force,” and I suspect that even the Iraqi insurgents wouldn’t want to go up against them either.

Start another war somewhere else. I think the rulebook says that if another war pops up somewhere else, it’s O.K. to “redeploy” and go there. Am I talking about North Korea? Iran? Are you crazy?! I figure Grenada or Panama could use another butt-whooping right about now. Which means we could wrap things up quickly and have everyone home for the holidays.

Have all of our troops put in for vacation at the same time. In the private sector, employers make sure to give their employees paid vacation time, thus allowing them to de-stress and unwind from their jobs. So why should our soldiers, sailors and marines be any different? If they all pick the same week, there wouldn’t be any U.S. troops left to shoot at, and we could probably then just keep them home for good. And to those who fear that Iraq will descend into factional fighting and mass killings if we leave now? You apparently haven’t been watching the news.

Change the name of the “Coalition of the Willing.” The Bushies came up with this moniker to describe the patchwork of countries who were willing to send troops to Iraq, after NATO allies like France and Germany said “Thanks but no thanks.” Perhaps if they’d just change the name to something like “The Coalition of the Not-Nearly-As-Willing-As-We-Used-To-Be,” we could then get out of Dodge a whole lot faster.

And to those of you who think these ideas are ridiculous? Just send your better idea to the email address below, and I’ll be happy to forward it to the Iraq Study Group.

And what does the winner get? How ‘bout a two-week vacation in the Baghdad “Green Zone?!”

© 2006 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.