Blogging With Barry (Rabin): April 2005

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

RATZINGER WINS SWIMSUIT COMPETITION TO TAKE POPE TITLE

Vatican City – German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope yesterday after reportedly taking the swimsuit and talent competitions in the super-secret papal selection procedure.

Said a Vatican insider, “I can’t say he was the most talented of the Cardinals. But when he flashed those pearly-whites while tap-dancing and singing ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’ in Latin, you knew it was only a matter of time.”

The swimsuit event clinched it, disclosed the insider. “He may be 78, but he’s got the body of a 35-year-old. And a pumped one at that!”

# posted by Barry @ 10:29 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 18, 2005

I.R.S. “JUST KIDDING” ABOUT APRIL 15TH DEADLINE

Washington – A spokesman for I.R.S. Commissioner Mark W. Everson disclosed today that the I.R.S. was “just kidding” when they said that all Federal Income Tax returns had to be postmarked by last Friday, April 15th.

Said the spokesman, who declined to be identified by gender, species or athletic supporter cup size, “Yeah, it’s kind of a fun thing we do every year at this time, just so we can watch people scramble and go nuts trying to figure out the paperwork and still make it to the post office on time. Really, we don’t care when you mail it, just as long as we get your money!”

In a related story, numerous death threats have been received at the I.R.S. since news of the lack of a strict deadline started leaking out.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

NEW POPE TO BE CALLED “RINGO GEORGE”

Vatican City – The College of Cardinals has not yet made a decision on who the next Pope will be, but already a name has been chosen for the new Pontiff. The name: “Pope Ringo George.”

“The last Pope honored the first two Beatles,” said a Vatican spokeman. “So we figured that the next guy should probably cover the other two.”

Reports are that original Beatles drummer Pete Best received one vote in the polling, but this suggestion was immediately voted down by the other Cardinals in attendance.

“Who could imagine a ‘Pope Pete?’” explained one Cardinal.

# posted by Barry @ 4:12 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005

CHARLES & CAMILLA EXCHANGE “SPECIAL” VOWS

Windsor, England – After a 25-minute civil ceremony at Windsor’s Guildhall, Prince Charles and his longtime paramour, Camilla Parker Bowles, made it official when they knelt at the altar before the Archbishop of Canterbury and confessed their past sins and swore to be faithful to one another in the future.

In a slight deviation from the standard wedding vows, Archbishop Rowan Williams asked each of them, “Do you promise to love, honor and cherish each other, forsaking all others ‘til death do you part? You know, not like last time?”

After the ceremony, a wedding dinner was hosted by the Queen and Prince Phillip. At the request of Prince Charles, the band played such wedding-day favorites as “The Chicken Dance,” “The Electric Slide” and the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.”

# posted by Barry @ 1:09 PM 19 comments

Friday, April 08, 2005

VATICAN CONTINUES TO DENY POPE IS DEAD

Rome – As Rome continues to clean up from the funeral of Pope John Paul II, a Vatican spokesman continued today to deny rumors that the Pope is dead.

“I don’t know who’s spreading these ugly rumors,” said Bishop Carlo Linguini, “but I can assure you that he’s just resting. The good news is that we were able to disconnect him from the medical machinery just the other day.”

In a semi-unrelated story, chicken magnate Frank Perdue died last week when doctors disconnected the tube that had been feeding him chicken soup for the last seven weeks. Said the clergyman who officiated at the memorial service, “May he float up to God’s Heaven with his capon.”

# posted by Barry @ 4:46 PM 0 comments

Monday, April 04, 2005

WAL-MART UNVEILS NEW SLOGAN

Bentonville, Arkansas – America’s number one retailer, Wal-Mart, today unveiled a new corporate advertising campaign aimed at dispelling the negative image the company has with its critics and many members of the public.

At the center of the campaign will be the new company motto: “Wal-Mart: We Don’t Kill Small Babies!”

It remains to be seen whether the attempted image makeover will be enough to overcome accusations of unfair labor practices and predatory pricing. But in the words of a Wal-Mart spokesperson, who refused to be identified by name, rank or employer, “We’re taking little baby steps. I mean, we're not exactly Mother Theresa around here!”

# posted by Barry @ 6:54 PM 0 comments

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