CONGRESSMAN SHUNNED AFTER PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

Washington - Congressman Millard P. Bupkus (R - Iowa) was shunned by his fellow Republicans after last night's State of the Union address, after he reportedly clapped three different times and stood up once while only Democrats were clapping and standing.

Bupkus, a freshman congressman from Ruthven, IA, was apparently unaware that he was only supposed to clap or stand after lines that the Republican leadership had pre-approved as clap-worthy or stand-worthy.

"I just don't know what got into me," said an embarrassed Bupkus. "I mean, I got it right on the 'America is still the greatest nation on the face of the earth' line. But I guess I got carried away after the president said he 'didn't come here to Washington to engage in partisan bickering, he came here to solve problems for the people of this great country' line."

The State of the Union address is known for its carefully choreographed standing and clapping maneuvers, during which the opposition party is careful to stand and clap only for certain of the president's lines and not for others.

Said a sympathetic fellow legislator, "You have to feel a little bad for the guy. It's really hard to know which platitudes to clap for and which ones not to. It took me a couple of terms before I got it right."

In a related story, three TV cameramen were hospitalized after being temporarily blinded by Vice President Joe Biden's over-whitened teeth.

OBAMA CHANGES SLOGAN AMID MOUNTING CHALLENGES

During his “State of the Union” speech tonight, President Barack Obama is expected to announce that he is changing his official campaign slogan from “Yes we can!” to “Okay, I still think we might be able to, but hey, I could be wrong about this.”

The switch, adopted in the face of crushing deficits, high unemployment and the difficulties encountered in trying to get anything done in Washington these days, is in marked contrast to the kind of optimism Obama showed during his 2008 campaign.

Sources inside the Obama White House say that a number of other possible slogans were considered before the decision was made. Among them: “Holy crap, this place is impossible!” and “Who do I have to sleep with to get out of this business?!!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

NBC PAYS JANITOR $3 MILLION NOT TO CLEAN

Los Angeles – Executives at NBC announced today that the network will pay janitorial employee Floyd "Bubba" Lumpkin $3 million not to clean for them anymore.

The network, which recently announced a deal to pay host Conan O’Brien upwards of $40 million to leave the Tonight Show, said in a written statement that “We feel that this agreement will resolve all remaining issues in an amicable manner between us and Mr. Lumpkin.”

The deal does not come without strings, however. Under its terms, says a source familiar with the negotiations, Lumpkin is not allowed to work for a year, and is not permitted to criticize NBC in public.

Said Lumpkin, “Criticize them? I LOVE those guys!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

DEMS PLAN TO DIG UP KENNEDY TO VOTE ON HEALTH BILL

Washington – A group of Senate Democrats has announced that they plan to exhume the late Senator Edward Kennedy’s body in order to allow him to be the 60th vote for the proposed Democratic health care bill.

Says Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “This was Ted Kennedy’s signature issue. It’s only fitting that he be allowed to cast a vote for it.”

The unprecedented plan comes in the wake of the loss of Kennedy’s former Senate seat in Massachusetts to a Republican. The scheme was immediately criticized by Republicans, who argue that a dead person can’t cast a valid vote in the U.S. Congress.

Democrats, however, counter that measurable brain activity has never been a requirement to be a voting member of Congress.

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

BUSH PRAISES “BROWNIE” FOR “HECK OF A JOB” IN HAITI EARTHQUAKE RESPONSE

Crawford, Texas - Former President George W. Bush, when asked for an initial comment about how the situation was going in Haiti in the wake of the catastrophic earthquake that struck last week, immediately commended former FEMA head Michael D. Brown.

“Brownie’s doing a heck of a job down there in Haiti. I’m confident that everything’s going just fine.”

When reminded by a reporter that Brown hasn’t worked for FEMA since September of 2005, when he resigned in the face of harsh criticism of the federal government’s anemic response to Hurricane Katrina, Bush at first looked confused.

He then replied, “Like most Americans, the Haitianarians will pick themselves up by their bootstraps and figure this thing out. And Laura and I plan to drive down there from Texas tomorrow to check things out for ourselves.”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

PALIN UNABLE TO NAME GOVERNOR OF ALASKA

Former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was reportedly unable to name the governor of Alaska during the 2008 presidential campaign, according to unnamed sources.

The sources, who spoke to reporters Mark Halperin of Time Magazine and John Heilemann of New York Magazine on condition of anonymity, gave a number of instances in which John McCain’s V.P. pick appeared to be woefully unversed in matters of national and world interest.

“I think the low point,” said one source, “was when she was eating breakfast in a diner in New Hampshire, and expressed surprise that the French toast special was only $3.99, since “it had to be imported all the way from Europe!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

HARRY REID APOLOGIZES FOR COMMENTS ABOUT OBAMA

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) apologized today for a comment he apparently made about President Obama during the presidential race last year.

“When I said that he was more electable because he was a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect, I did not mean to imply that he was, in fact, light-skinned, African-American, or spoke with any sort of dialect,” said Reid, who is facing a tough re-election campaign in Nevada.

“In conclusion, I would like to apologize to anyone who was in any way offended by anything I did or did not say.”

Republicans immediately pounced on Reid, saying that there was a double standard when Democrats made comments about race.

In other Congressional news, a resolution in favor of motherhood narrowly failed to pass both houses, as neither Democrats nor Republicans could agree on the wording.

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

CANDIDATE "I WANT TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH MY FAMILY!"

Washington - Congressman Lloyd P. Snorkheimer (R - North Dakota) has announced that he will be running for reelection next fall, stating that he wants to "spend less time with my family."

He is believed to be the first candidate in modern times to make such a candid public statement. More typical have been announcements by politicians disgraced by sex scandals, federal indictments or bone-headed public comments that they won't be running in order to spend more time with their families.

Says Snorkheimer, "My wife's a pain in the tush, my kids play their music way too loud, and I'm frankly having a lot more fun here in Washington than I ever could freezing my butt off in Bismarck! I guess I don't care who knows it, either!"

AIRLINE TO ADD PER-BOMB CHARGE FOR MOST INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS

Northwest Airlines has announced that passengers will soon have to pay extra to bring bombs on board flights.

"The airport screeners obviously can't detect these things," said one airline executive. "So the best thing we can do is to at least make these guys pay an extra fee to help defray our costs."

The executive went on to list a number of extra expense items his airline might have to incur again in the future, including replacing burned blankets, recharging fire extinguishers and reupholstering seats scorched by defective "pants bombs."

An al Qaida spokesman in Yemen immediately denounced the new policy, pointing out that "We already pay enough for those same day tickets, plus we pay in cash, so we save the airlines the cut the credit card companies take. So where do they get off hitting us with extra fees?"

The spokesman went on to say that if al Qaida wasn't trying to accumulate enough travel miles to go to Disneyworld next year, they would pull their business and switch to another airline.

ESTATE EXPERTS: 2010 WILL BE A GREAT YEAR TO DIE!

Estate planning experts are saying that 2010 will be a terrific year to die, especially for people who are really, really rich.

Due to Congress's failure to agree on a fix for the federal estate tax before adjourning for the holiday recess, no federal estate tax will be levied on estates, regardless of size, after midnight on December 31st.

The tax, while unpopular with those it affects, brings in billions of dollars each year to the otherwise cash-strapped federal government, which has been struggling to pay for two wars, extended unemployment benefits, and an economic stimulus program aimed at preventing even higher unemployment during the current recession.

Said one estate planning attorney, "What's really going to be interesting is what happens near the end of 2010. Since the tax comes back in 2011 with only a one million dollar exemption, the temptation for heirs to pull the plug on good old Mom or Dad is going to be significant. If I were an older person with significant wealth, I'd be checking the brakes on my car a lot toward the end of next year."

When asked whether he wished to comment, one member of Congress, who declined to be identified by name, gender or species, said, "Hey, we were busy not agreeing on health care! Who had time to not agree on the estate tax?!"

NEW BANKRUPTCY BILL INCLUDES MANDATORY ORGAN DONATION

Washington – A new bankruptcy bill passed by the Senate last week would make kidney donation mandatory for all persons seeking protection under the federal bankruptcy laws. The new law has been the subject of intense lobbying by the credit card and banking industries.

Said B. Simon Simpkins, president of the American Association of Credit Squeezers, “There’s absolutely no good reason why a person with two perfectly good kidneys should be able to get out of paying their credit card bills, which our members very generously helped them to get in the first place.”

An earlier version of the bill that included mandatory lung, liver and heart donation failed to pass by a one-vote margin, after industry sources realized that it might leave them with fewer customers.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

DAN RATHER WRONG ABOUT RETIREMENT

New York – CBS newsman Dan Rather, who signed off this week after 24 years in the anchor chair of the CBS Evening News, announced today that reports of his retirement have now turned out to be false.

In a printed statement, Rather said, “It now appears likely that reports of my retirement were premature and unfounded. We at CBS News sincerely apologize for this error in judgment. I’ll be back on the air this coming Monday, just as sure as a pig loves slop.”

Sources behind the scenes at CBS promised a full investigation. While they refused to specify what possible punishments might be meted out, they did not rule out Rather’s termination.

©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

STUDY SHOWS DRIVING IMPAIRS USE OF CELL PHONES

San Enfermo, California – A new study released today shows that driving a car while using a cell phone definitely impairs an individual’s ability to use the phone correctly.

Says one of the study’s authors, Professor Irwin Flugelmayer of the University of California at San Enfermo, “We have long suspected that people who drive while phoning weren’t phoning very well. This study finally gives us proof of it.”

Some examples of inaccurate phone use among those driving cars in the study included punching in as many as five wrong numbers before the right one was obtained, ordering the wrong toppings on take-out pizzas and calling a parent or employer “dude” by accident.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

BIRDS WARNED OF RISK OF HUMAN FLU

Atlanta – The Centers for Disease Control today issued a warning to all birds that a significant risk exists that the “Human Flu” could mutate and be spread to birds.

“We want all of you ducks, chickens and other poultry out there to be aware that the Human Flu could pose a serious risk to your health,” said Dr. C. Ken Cacciatore, head of the CDC’s Human Flu Research Department.

Dr. Cacciatore went on to say that a new flu vaccine was being developed that would address such a mutated virus. The vaccine reportedly will be given on a priority basis to those birds who are over 65, under two or reside in retirement golf communities.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GREENSPAN FARTS, SENDS MARKETS TUMBLING

Washington – An unexpected fart from the rear end of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan sent the U.S. financial markets tumbling today.

Greenspan, who was testifying in front of the House Committee on Economic Confusion, reportedly let loose with an audible blast just as he was finishing his semi-annual report. Ten minutes later, the Dow Jones Industrials had already lost 500 points.

A Fed spokesman later in the day assured reporters that the chairman’s “irrational exuberance was due to an excess of Mexican food at lunch, not to any specific concerns about the economic recovery,” saying that Mr. Greenspan had “merely lost the handle on that big boy.”

By 3:00 p.m., the markets had recovered significantly.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

ISRAEL: IRAN WILL HAVE ABILITY TO MAKE BAD T.V. REALITY SHOWS IN 6 MONTHS

Jerusalem – In a speech televised across the country and around Europe, Israeli Defense Minister Dossi ben Dover disclosed that Iran will have the ability to produce really bad T.V. “reality shows” within the next six months.

The news came as a shock to many in the audience, who had assumed up until now that the best the Iranians could put together was a Jerry Springer knockoff show in Farsi.

Said the minister, “I don’t have to tell you how much damage could be done once our airwaves are filled with shows like ‘Who’ll Marry My Imam,’ ‘Jihadi Survivor’ and ‘The Ayatollah’s Apprentice.’”

While European leaders expressed shock and outrage at the news, U.S. officials seemed less concerned. Said one, “Fortunately they lack the technology to deliver such lethal weapons this far away.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GROUPS PROTEST “CLEAN” HALFTIME SHOW

Jacksonville – A coalition of atheist and satanic-worship organizations today deluged the Federal Communications Commission with complaints about yesterday’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Said a spokesman for the coalition, “We are completely shocked and outraged that our young people would be subjected to a display of such wholesome and non-sexual entertainment during a major sporting event such as this one. Where were the crotch-grabbing, nipple-flashing and sexual content we've come to expect?”

The complaints come in start contrast to last year’s uproar by religious groups, who protested singer Janet Jackson’s split-second breast flashing.

Responded outgoing FCC Chairman Michael Powell, “I guess you can’t please everyone. Maybe I'll call a news conference and drop my pants to make up for it.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

MAYORS SWAP SUPER BOWL BETS

Philadelphia - In a long-standing tradition, the mayors of the two teams playing in this Sunday’s Super Bowl have made a friendly wager of things their respective cities are noted for.

If the Philadelphia Eagles win, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino has promised Philadelphia a huge, multi-billion-dollar road construction project that leaks water and will take years to complete. If New England wins, Philadelphia Mayor John Street will award no-bid city contracts to politically-connected Bostonians.

Said a spokesman for one of the mayors, "Either way, the bucks stop here!"


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

PRESIDENT PROPOSES PERSONAL PET FOOD ACCOUNTS

Oat Park, Ohio – In the wake of his State of the Union speech promising changes in Social Security for America’s younger workers, President Bush today laid out his proposal for personal pet food accounts for all workers under age 55.

“We cannot keep the current system in place for the younger generation without taking such drastic steps as changing my tax plan, adjusting the retirement age to reflect reality and having high-income earners pay Social Security tax on all of their earnings,” said the president.

“With personal pet food accounts, we can at least guarantee that there will always be a source of protein for those retirees who don’t have oil profits, Halliburton stock or big corporate pensions.”

Echoed an administration official, “Keep in mind that pet food has not just meat, but important meat by-products.”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

CONGRESSMAN GOOFS AT STATE OF THE UNION

Washington – A Democratic Congressman found himself in hot water during last night’s “State of the Union” address after standing up to applaud at the wrong time.

Congressman Alfredo Guadeloupe (D – California) endured the scorn of his Democratic colleagues when he chose the wrong moment during President Bush’s speech to rise to his feet.

Said the Congressman, “He kept talking about motherhood and apple pie and the flag, and we all got up, both sides of the aisle, and applauded. Next thing I knew he had slipped in that part about euthanizing the poor and handicapped, and I was on my feet clapping before I knew it. Boy, did I have egg on my face!”

While the misstep has made Guadeloupe an overnight pariah to his fellow Democrats, sources say the Bush Administration plans to offer him a job as Undersecretary of Health and Human Services.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.