MINERS ASK TO GO BACK INTO MINE

Santiago, Chile - Nine of the thirty-three miners freed from a Chilean copper mine less than three weeks ago have asked to go back into the mine, despite the fact that the entrance is still blocked by tons of collapsed rock.

Said one of the miners, "All I know is that my wife keeps nagging me, my kids are always screaming and I can't walk out my front door without Anderson Cooper sticking a mike in my face."

The minors were disheartened to learn that all of the rescue crews have gone back home, and the bullet-shaped capsule that pulled them up to the surface had been dismantled.

Said one, "Are you sure I can't just jump in?"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

ECONOMISTS: RECESSION ENDED LAST YEAR

Cambridge, Mass. - Economists from the National Bureau of Economic Research announced today that the worst recession since the Great Depression is not only over, but ended more than a year ago in June of 2009.

The news delighted homeless and jobless Americans across the country. Said one such person, Detroit resident Joseph Schmenkowski, who is living in a refrigerator crate and cooks beans on a Sterno stove every night for dinner, "That's great! I feel a lot better knowing that things have been much better for the past year than I thought they were."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

FEMININE HYGIENE COMPANIES ANNOUNCE PLAN TO STOP GULF OIL LEAK

New Orleans - Two companies best known for their feminine protection products have announced a bold new plan to stop the underwater leak that's been releasing millions of gallons of crude oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico.

The people who market Kotex and Tampax products announced today that they have formed a joint venture in an attempt to stop the gushing oil by first inserting a giant tampon into the well pipe, and then cutting off any remaining leaks through the use of giant "sanitary napkins" to be wrapped around the opening.

Said Kotex president Herbert "Stan" Stanislavski, "I don't know why everybody's so surprised that B.P. hasn't able to shut down this leak. If you want to drill a giant hole, you bring in an oil company. If you want to stop a hole from leaking, you call us."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

N.Y. POLICE CONFIDENT THEY HAVE DESCRIPTION OF BOMBER

New York - A car bomber may have come close to causing mass destruction on a crowded New York street Saturday night, but NYPD sources say they are confident they have a close enough description of the perpetrator to locate and arrest him.

Said a high police official, "After interviewing numerous eyewitnesses and watching hours of surveillance tapes from every possible camera angle and vantage point, we can now say with authority that the car's driver was a dark-skinned male of apparently Eastern or Middle Eastern descent, between the ages of 20 and 45 and under six feet in height."

After a reporter pointed out that this could describe virtually 99% of all cab drivers, street vendors and hotel custodial staff in the city, the police official paused for a moment, appeared to be thinking, and then retorted, "That's what the terrorists want you to think!"

At last report, the search was still ongoing. Meanwhile, terrorism experts say that the man will likely have a hard time getting hired for his next "suicide bomber" job, based on his current 0-and-1 record.

(c) 2010 by Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

HEALTH BILL PASSES, DEATH PANELS TO START ON TUESDAY

Washington - Now that the much-awaited new health care legislation has finally passed in the House of Representatives, the White House has announced that the "death panels" the new law provides for will start operating as soon as next Tuesday.

Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "All of the nonsense you've been hearing since the election about President Obama being a 'secret Muslim' or a non-U.S. citizen is just that, nonsense. But we're really looking forward to setting up those death panels!"

No one is quite sure how the panels will work, but one Obama Administrative official, speaking off the record, hinted that the plug will be pulled first on "Republicans, Fox News commentators and pop singer Alanis Morissette." When asked what the pop singer had to do with opposition to the president's agenda, the source replied "Nothing, she's just whiny and we don't like her."

Meanwhile, the new bill doesn't become law until it is re-approved by the Senate, after which any proposed amendments must be re-re-approved by the House, etc. Said one historian, "Put plenty of change in the meter if you're waiting for THIS one!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

OBAMA PUSHES STRIPPED-DOWN HEALTH PLAN

Washington - President Barack Obama, who one year ago promised he would help push through historic legislation to provide critical health care coverage for the more than 45 million uninsured Americans, today announced he would try to push through a significantly stripped-down health care bill.

After losing most of its original provisions to opposition from Republicans, conservative Democrats, health insurance companies, drug companies, doctors and trial lawyers groups, the bill that remains would guarantee every American the right to free aspirin and Band-Aids. Amputations will also be covered in case of trouble with an arm or a leg, provided that they are not performed in a hospital or by medical professionals.

Said one Democratic Congressman, "It may not be quite what we wanted. But hey, I guess this is the best we're gonna get."

Meanwhile, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed to fight the Band-Aids provision, stating that, "Once you give these Democrats Band-Aids, the next thing you know they'll be wanting Preparation H as well!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

NEW SENATE RULE REQUIRES 102 VOTES

Washington - In a move that surprised Congress-watchers and historians alike, the Senate today enacted a rule that will require that at least 102 Senators vote in favor of any new legislation before it can become law.

Said one perplexed government-watcher, "It was frustrating enough that the filibuster rule required you to get 60 votes for a 'majority' to pass anything new. With this new rule, it looks pretty much hopeless that anything will pass the Congress ever again."

When asked why they didn't settle for 101 votes, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "We knew that in the case of a tie the Vice President can cast the deciding vote. We frankly thought that it was too risky to allow this to happen, especially since that might result in something decisive actually coming out of here."

The new rule was immediately applauded by the National Coalition for Indecision, a group made up of predatory lenders, investment bankers, heavy polluters, health insurance companies and credit card banks, A spokesman for the group, when told of the news, commented, "We're just thrilled to hear that nothing in America is going to change. Nothing. Note even the really awful stuff."

Said Congressional leaders in a joint statement, "This just shows that the bipartisan
spirit is still alive and well here in Washington."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.