Blogging With Barry (Rabin)

MINERS ASK TO GO BACK INTO MINE

2010-10-29T23:37:00.002-04:00

Santiago, Chile - Nine of the thirty-three miners freed from a Chilean copper mine less than three weeks ago have asked to go back into the mine, despite the fact that the entrance is still blocked by tons of collapsed rock.

Said one of the miners, "All I know is that my wife keeps nagging me, my kids are always screaming and I can't walk out my front door without Anderson Cooper sticking a mike in my face."

The minors were disheartened to learn that all of the rescue crews have gone back home, and the bullet-shaped capsule that pulled them up to the surface had been dismantled.

Said one, "Are you sure I can't just jump in?"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

ECONOMISTS: RECESSION ENDED LAST YEAR

2010-09-23T00:36:00.002-04:00

Cambridge, Mass. - Economists from the National Bureau of Economic Research announced today that the worst recession since the Great Depression is not only over, but ended more than a year ago in June of 2009.

The news delighted homeless and jobless Americans across the country. Said one such person, Detroit resident Joseph Schmenkowski, who is living in a refrigerator crate and cooks beans on a Sterno stove every night for dinner, "That's great! I feel a lot better knowing that things have been much better for the past year than I thought they were."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

FEMININE HYGIENE COMPANIES ANNOUNCE PLAN TO STOP GULF OIL LEAK

2010-06-06T15:34:00.005-04:00

New Orleans - Two companies best known for their feminine protection products have announced a bold new plan to stop the underwater leak that's been releasing millions of gallons of crude oil a day into the Gulf of Mexico.

The people who market Kotex and Tampax products announced today that they have formed a joint venture in an attempt to stop the gushing oil by first inserting a giant tampon into the well pipe, and then cutting off any remaining leaks through the use of giant "sanitary napkins" to be wrapped around the opening.

Said Kotex president Herbert "Stan" Stanislavski, "I don't know why everybody's so surprised that B.P. hasn't able to shut down this leak. If you want to drill a giant hole, you bring in an oil company. If you want to stop a hole from leaking, you call us."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

N.Y. POLICE CONFIDENT THEY HAVE DESCRIPTION OF BOMBER

2010-05-02T20:46:00.004-04:00

New York - A car bomber may have come close to causing mass destruction on a crowded New York street Saturday night, but NYPD sources say they are confident they have a close enough description of the perpetrator to locate and arrest him.

Said a high police official, "After interviewing numerous eyewitnesses and watching hours of surveillance tapes from every possible camera angle and vantage point, we can now say with authority that the car's driver was a dark-skinned male of apparently Eastern or Middle Eastern descent, between the ages of 20 and 45 and under six feet in height."

After a reporter pointed out that this could describe virtually 99% of all cab drivers, street vendors and hotel custodial staff in the city, the police official paused for a moment, appeared to be thinking, and then retorted, "That's what the terrorists want you to think!"

At last report, the search was still ongoing. Meanwhile, terrorism experts say that the man will likely have a hard time getting hired for his next "suicide bomber" job, based on his current 0-and-1 record.

(c) 2010 by Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

HEALTH BILL PASSES, DEATH PANELS TO START ON TUESDAY

2010-03-23T22:09:00.003-04:00

Washington - Now that the much-awaited new health care legislation has finally passed in the House of Representatives, the White House has announced that the "death panels" the new law provides for will start operating as soon as next Tuesday.

Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "All of the nonsense you've been hearing since the election about President Obama being a 'secret Muslim' or a non-U.S. citizen is just that, nonsense. But we're really looking forward to setting up those death panels!"

No one is quite sure how the panels will work, but one Obama Administrative official, speaking off the record, hinted that the plug will be pulled first on "Republicans, Fox News commentators and pop singer Alanis Morissette." When asked what the pop singer had to do with opposition to the president's agenda, the source replied "Nothing, she's just whiny and we don't like her."

Meanwhile, the new bill doesn't become law until it is re-approved by the Senate, after which any proposed amendments must be re-re-approved by the House, etc. Said one historian, "Put plenty of change in the meter if you're waiting for THIS one!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

OBAMA PUSHES STRIPPED-DOWN HEALTH PLAN

2010-03-13T23:13:00.003-05:00

Washington - President Barack Obama, who one year ago promised he would help push through historic legislation to provide critical health care coverage for the more than 45 million uninsured Americans, today announced he would try to push through a significantly stripped-down health care bill.

After losing most of its original provisions to opposition from Republicans, conservative Democrats, health insurance companies, drug companies, doctors and trial lawyers groups, the bill that remains would guarantee every American the right to free aspirin and Band-Aids. Amputations will also be covered in case of trouble with an arm or a leg, provided that they are not performed in a hospital or by medical professionals.

Said one Democratic Congressman, "It may not be quite what we wanted. But hey, I guess this is the best we're gonna get."

Meanwhile, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) vowed to fight the Band-Aids provision, stating that, "Once you give these Democrats Band-Aids, the next thing you know they'll be wanting Preparation H as well!"

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

NEW SENATE RULE REQUIRES 102 VOTES

2010-03-10T19:46:00.003-05:00

Washington - In a move that surprised Congress-watchers and historians alike, the Senate today enacted a rule that will require that at least 102 Senators vote in favor of any new legislation before it can become law.

Said one perplexed government-watcher, "It was frustrating enough that the filibuster rule required you to get 60 votes for a 'majority' to pass anything new. With this new rule, it looks pretty much hopeless that anything will pass the Congress ever again."

When asked why they didn't settle for 101 votes, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "We knew that in the case of a tie the Vice President can cast the deciding vote. We frankly thought that it was too risky to allow this to happen, especially since that might result in something decisive actually coming out of here."

The new rule was immediately applauded by the National Coalition for Indecision, a group made up of predatory lenders, investment bankers, heavy polluters, health insurance companies and credit card banks, A spokesman for the group, when told of the news, commented, "We're just thrilled to hear that nothing in America is going to change. Nothing. Note even the really awful stuff."

Said Congressional leaders in a joint statement, "This just shows that the bipartisan
spirit is still alive and well here in Washington."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

SHARPTON PROTESTS EXCLUSION OF BLACKS FROM HOME SECURITY COMMERCIALS

2010-02-21T14:24:00.007-05:00

Hollywood - Black activist Reverend Al Sharpton held a news conference today in this entertainment capital to protest what he called "the total and systematic exclusion of African-American actors from home security system commercials."

Speaking while flanked by a phalanx of African-American actors, Sharpton said, "If you look closely at these commercials, they all have one thing in common: a lily-white actor playing the thug who tries to break into the house and attack the young girl who lives there. I just cannot accept that a Black man can't play a dangerous home attacker every bit as convincingly as a White actor can."

To drive home his point, Sharpton called upon John Braxton, an accomplished stage actor who trained with the Royal Shakespeare Company, to speak. Said Braxton, "This is an outrage! If I can play Hamlet, I can certainly play a sex-crazed home invasion attacker."

When reached for comment, Brinks Home Security issued a written statement, stating: "We want the public to know that we have heard from the Reverend Sharpton, and we have already directed our advertising agency to conduct focus groups to see if the public would find an African-American attacker at all believable. If we conclude that they might, we would naturally try our best to introduce more diversity into our roster of attackers."

Meanwhile, former NAACP Executive Director Julian Bond, when informed of Sharpton's new campaign, proceeded to bang his head against the wall.

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

IRS DENIES EXTENSION FOR IRATE PILOT

2010-02-19T17:58:00.003-05:00

Washington - IRS officials today announced that they would not be granting a tax-filing extension to the man who crashed his small airplane into an IRS office building in Austin, Texas on Thursday.

Said an IRS spokesman, "The only way to get a filing extension is to fill out and file Form 4868, which gives the taxpayer an automatic extension of up to six months to file a return. Since Mr. Stack failed to do that, his return will be due by April 15th like everybody else's."

Joseph Stack, a 53-year-old software engineer, reportedly flew his Cessna into the office building in protest of a dispute he was having with the tax agency. He had also reportedly had a domestic argument, and burned his house down earlier that morning.

Said one tax expert, "Obviously the guy had a bad day. But they'll still make you file the form. And I don't think being dead gets you out of it."

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GORE ANNOUNCES CAMPAIGN AGAINST "GLOBAL COOLING"

2010-02-15T19:56:00.005-05:00

Washington - Former Vice President Al Gore today announced that he is giving up his campaign against global warming, and starting a new campaign to end what he calls "global cooling."

Said Gore, "After the many recent blizzards and cold snaps we've had in the United States this winter, even in the Deep South, I have slowly come to the realization that the earth is now cooling at an alarming pace. We have to do something to stop this right now."

Gore already has a book and movie in development on the subject. Tentatively titled "An Even More Inconvenient Truth," they will describe what Gore says is the newest and most frightening risk to our planet. In an interview, he emphasized to reporters the seriousness of the phenomenon, saying, "If we don't take bold and decisive steps to stop this soon, it may eventually affect our ability to take beach vacations and shoot Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions."

No polar bears could be reached for comment before press time.

IRAQI BOBSLED TEAM FAILS TO FINISH

2010-02-14T00:06:00.003-05:00

Vancouver, B.C. - The Iraqi Olympic bobsled team failed to finish any of its runs today at the Vancouver Winter Olympics.

The problem arose as members of the team fought amongst themselves while their sled, paid for with U.S. taxpayer funds, sped down the track out of control and flipped over again and again.

The four team members -- among them a Sunni, Shi'ite, and Kurdish Iraqi, as well as a U.S. advisor -- reportedly couldn't agree on how to steer the sled. Instead, the Iraqi members proceeded to try to push each other out of the sled, while the U.S. advisor tried in vain to convince them to all head in the right direction.

Said an Iraq expert from the Brookings Institution, "It's clear that things aren't going well for the Iraqi side. Perhaps what's needed is a surge of additional Americans on the sled to help get the Iraqis to play nice with each other."

For his part, President Obama, when asked for comment, promised that the American member of the bobsled team would be coming home in twelve to eighteen months.

OBAMA TAKES CREDIT FOR NORTHEAST BLIZZARDS

2010-02-11T12:10:00.004-05:00

Washington - President Barack Obama today took credit for the two back-to-back blizzards that crippled the Eastern United States over the past week, closing schools, government offices and even the U.S. Congress.

Said Obama, "When I first proposed my economic stimulus program, I promised there would be lots of shovel-ready projects. One only need look outside their window today to see that my administration has delivered on that promise. So if your shovel isn't already ready, you'd better get it ready and get out there!"

In a semi-related story, Democratic and Republican members of the Senate, which failed to convene today due to the harsh winter weather, held a snowball fight on the Capitol steps. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who headed up the Democratic team, was overheard complaining that the teams weren't fairly balanced.

Said Reid, according to an observer, "Hey, there's 41 of them, and only 59 of us. We're outnumbered!"

Meanwhile, Congress-watchers noted that, despite being out of session, the Congress accomplished as much as they do when they are.

(c) 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

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TOYOTA TO RECALL FOR VANITY MIRROR DEFECT

2010-02-04T23:00:00.004-05:00

Toyota Motor Company of America today announced that it will recall more than 2 million vehicles to inspect them for a possible vanity mirror defect.

The mirrors, which are embedded into the sun visors on the passenger side of the vehicles, can reportedly become distorted, causing female passengers checking their makeup to scream abruptly, thus frightening the driver and causing a possible fatal collision.

Said a Toyota spokeman, Toshiro Tashimoto, "Until an effective repair has been developed, we recommend that all owners wrap duct tape around the mirror to prevent its use. Or just stop checking yourself out so much." He then plunged a Samurai sword into his midsection.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, upon hearing the news, stated, "If I were an owner of one of these vehicles, I would immediately panic, remove the engine from the vehicle and weld the doors shut."

CONGRESSMAN SHUNNED AFTER PRESIDENT'S SPEECH

2010-01-27T22:26:00.002-05:00

Washington - Congressman Millard P. Bupkus (R - Iowa) was shunned by his fellow Republicans after last night's State of the Union address, after he reportedly clapped three different times and stood up once while only Democrats were clapping and standing.

Bupkus, a freshman congressman from Ruthven, IA, was apparently unaware that he was only supposed to clap or stand after lines that the Republican leadership had pre-approved as clap-worthy or stand-worthy.

"I just don't know what got into me," said an embarrassed Bupkus. "I mean, I got it right on the 'America is still the greatest nation on the face of the earth' line. But I guess I got carried away after the president said he 'didn't come here to Washington to engage in partisan bickering, he came here to solve problems for the people of this great country' line."

The State of the Union address is known for its carefully choreographed standing and clapping maneuvers, during which the opposition party is careful to stand and clap only for certain of the president's lines and not for others.

Said a sympathetic fellow legislator, "You have to feel a little bad for the guy. It's really hard to know which platitudes to clap for and which ones not to. It took me a couple of terms before I got it right."

In a related story, three TV cameramen were hospitalized after being temporarily blinded by Vice President Joe Biden's over-whitened teeth.

OBAMA CHANGES SLOGAN AMID MOUNTING CHALLENGES

2010-01-27T14:39:00.006-05:00

During his “State of the Union” speech tonight, President Barack Obama is expected to announce that he is changing his official campaign slogan from “Yes we can!” to “Okay, I still think we might be able to, but hey, I could be wrong about this.”

The switch, adopted in the face of crushing deficits, high unemployment and the difficulties encountered in trying to get anything done in Washington these days, is in marked contrast to the kind of optimism Obama showed during his 2008 campaign.

Sources inside the Obama White House say that a number of other possible slogans were considered before the decision was made. Among them: “Holy crap, this place is impossible!” and “Who do I have to sleep with to get out of this business?!!”

NBC PAYS JANITOR $3 MILLION NOT TO CLEAN

2010-01-22T14:01:00.005-05:00

Los Angeles – Executives at NBC announced today that the network will pay janitorial employee Floyd "Bubba" Lumpkin $3 million not to clean for them anymore.

The network, which recently announced a deal to pay host Conan O’Brien upwards of $40 million to leave the Tonight Show, said in a written statement that “We feel that this agreement will resolve all remaining issues in an amicable manner between us and Mr. Lumpkin.”

The deal does not come without strings, however. Under its terms, says a source familiar with the negotiations, Lumpkin is not allowed to work for a year, and is not permitted to criticize NBC in public.

Said Lumpkin, “Criticize them? I LOVE those guys!”

DEMS PLAN TO DIG UP KENNEDY TO VOTE ON HEALTH BILL

2010-01-20T19:47:00.006-05:00

Washington – A group of Senate Democrats has announced that they plan to exhume the late Senator Edward Kennedy’s body in order to allow him to be the 60th vote for the proposed Democratic health care bill.

Says Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “This was Ted Kennedy’s signature issue. It’s only fitting that he be allowed to cast a vote for it.”

The unprecedented plan comes in the wake of the loss of Kennedy’s former Senate seat in Massachusetts to a Republican. The scheme was immediately criticized by Republicans, who argue that a dead person can’t cast a valid vote in the U.S. Congress.

Democrats, however, counter that measurable brain activity has never been a requirement to be a voting member of Congress.

BUSH PRAISES “BROWNIE” FOR “HECK OF A JOB” IN HAITI EARTHQUAKE RESPONSE

2010-01-18T13:44:00.007-05:00

Crawford, Texas - Former President George W. Bush, when asked for an initial comment about how the situation was going in Haiti in the wake of the catastrophic earthquake that struck last week, immediately commended former FEMA head Michael D. Brown.

“Brownie’s doing a heck of a job down there in Haiti. I’m confident that everything’s going just fine.”

When reminded by a reporter that Brown hasn’t worked for FEMA since September of 2005, when he resigned in the face of harsh criticism of the federal government’s anemic response to Hurricane Katrina, Bush at first looked confused.

He then replied, “Like most Americans, the Haitianarians will pick themselves up by their bootstraps and figure this thing out. And Laura and I plan to drive down there from Texas tomorrow to check things out for ourselves.”

PALIN UNABLE TO NAME GOVERNOR OF ALASKA

2010-01-13T15:50:00.003-05:00

Former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was reportedly unable to name the governor of Alaska during the 2008 presidential campaign, according to unnamed sources.

The sources, who spoke to reporters Mark Halperin of Time Magazine and John Heilemann of New York Magazine on condition of anonymity, gave a number of instances in which John McCain’s V.P. pick appeared to be woefully unversed in matters of national and world interest.

“I think the low point,” said one source, “was when she was eating breakfast in a diner in New Hampshire, and expressed surprise that the French toast special was only $3.99, since “it had to be imported all the way from Europe!”

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

HARRY REID APOLOGIZES FOR COMMENTS ABOUT OBAMA

2010-01-10T22:02:00.006-05:00

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) apologized today for a comment he apparently made about President Obama during the presidential race last year.

“When I said that he was more electable because he was a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect, I did not mean to imply that he was, in fact, light-skinned, African-American, or spoke with any sort of dialect,” said Reid, who is facing a tough re-election campaign in Nevada.

“In conclusion, I would like to apologize to anyone who was in any way offended by anything I did or did not say.”

Republicans immediately pounced on Reid, saying that there was a double standard when Democrats made comments about race.

In other Congressional news, a resolution in favor of motherhood narrowly failed to pass both houses, as neither Democrats nor Republicans could agree on the wording.

© 2010 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

CANDIDATE "I WANT TO SPEND LESS TIME WITH MY FAMILY!"

2010-01-06T19:27:00.006-05:00

Washington - Congressman Lloyd P. Snorkheimer (R - North Dakota) has announced that he will be running for reelection next fall, stating that he wants to "spend less time with my family."

He is believed to be the first candidate in modern times to make such a candid public statement. More typical have been announcements by politicians disgraced by sex scandals, federal indictments or bone-headed public comments that they won't be running in order to spend more time with their families.

Says Snorkheimer, "My wife's a pain in the tush, my kids play their music way too loud, and I'm frankly having a lot more fun here in Washington than I ever could freezing my butt off in Bismarck! I guess I don't care who knows it, either!"

AIRLINE TO ADD PER-BOMB CHARGE FOR MOST INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS

2010-01-03T00:01:00.005-05:00

Northwest Airlines has announced that passengers will soon have to pay extra to bring bombs on board flights.

"The airport screeners obviously can't detect these things," said one airline executive. "So the best thing we can do is to at least make these guys pay an extra fee to help defray our costs."

The executive went on to list a number of extra expense items his airline might have to incur again in the future, including replacing burned blankets, recharging fire extinguishers and reupholstering seats scorched by defective "pants bombs."

An al Qaida spokesman in Yemen immediately denounced the new policy, pointing out that "We already pay enough for those same day tickets, plus we pay in cash, so we save the airlines the cut the credit card companies take. So where do they get off hitting us with extra fees?"

The spokesman went on to say that if al Qaida wasn't trying to accumulate enough travel miles to go to Disneyworld next year, they would pull their business and switch to another airline.

ESTATE EXPERTS: 2010 WILL BE A GREAT YEAR TO DIE!

2009-12-30T00:42:00.005-05:00

Estate planning experts are saying that 2010 will be a terrific year to die, especially for people who are really, really rich.

Due to Congress's failure to agree on a fix for the federal estate tax before adjourning for the holiday recess, no federal estate tax will be levied on estates, regardless of size, after midnight on December 31st.

The tax, while unpopular with those it affects, brings in billions of dollars each year to the otherwise cash-strapped federal government, which has been struggling to pay for two wars, extended unemployment benefits, and an economic stimulus program aimed at preventing even higher unemployment during the current recession.

Said one estate planning attorney, "What's really going to be interesting is what happens near the end of 2010. Since the tax comes back in 2011 with only a one million dollar exemption, the temptation for heirs to pull the plug on good old Mom or Dad is going to be significant. If I were an older person with significant wealth, I'd be checking the brakes on my car a lot toward the end of next year."

When asked whether he wished to comment, one member of Congress, who declined to be identified by name, gender or species, said, "Hey, we were busy not agreeing on health care! Who had time to not agree on the estate tax?!"

NEW BANKRUPTCY BILL INCLUDES MANDATORY ORGAN DONATION

2005-03-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

Washington – A new bankruptcy bill passed by the Senate last week would make kidney donation mandatory for all persons seeking protection under the federal bankruptcy laws. The new law has been the subject of intense lobbying by the credit card and banking industries.

Said B. Simon Simpkins, president of the American Association of Credit Squeezers, “There’s absolutely no good reason why a person with two perfectly good kidneys should be able to get out of paying their credit card bills, which our members very generously helped them to get in the first place.”

An earlier version of the bill that included mandatory lung, liver and heart donation failed to pass by a one-vote margin, after industry sources realized that it might leave them with fewer customers.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

DAN RATHER WRONG ABOUT RETIREMENT

2005-03-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

New York – CBS newsman Dan Rather, who signed off this week after 24 years in the anchor chair of the CBS Evening News, announced today that reports of his retirement have now turned out to be false.

In a printed statement, Rather said, “It now appears likely that reports of my retirement were premature and unfounded. We at CBS News sincerely apologize for this error in judgment. I’ll be back on the air this coming Monday, just as sure as a pig loves slop.”

Sources behind the scenes at CBS promised a full investigation. While they refused to specify what possible punishments might be meted out, they did not rule out Rather’s termination.

STUDY SHOWS DRIVING IMPAIRS USE OF CELL PHONES

2005-03-08T15:02:00.000-05:00

San Enfermo, California – A new study released today shows that driving a car while using a cell phone definitely impairs an individual’s ability to use the phone correctly.

Says one of the study’s authors, Professor Irwin Flugelmayer of the University of California at San Enfermo, “We have long suspected that people who drive while phoning weren’t phoning very well. This study finally gives us proof of it.”

Some examples of inaccurate phone use among those driving cars in the study included punching in as many as five wrong numbers before the right one was obtained, ordering the wrong toppings on take-out pizzas and calling a parent or employer “dude” by accident.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

BIRDS WARNED OF RISK OF HUMAN FLU

2005-02-23T12:50:00.000-05:00

Atlanta – The Centers for Disease Control today issued a warning to all birds that a significant risk exists that the “Human Flu” could mutate and be spread to birds.

“We want all of you ducks, chickens and other poultry out there to be aware that the Human Flu could pose a serious risk to your health,” said Dr. C. Ken Cacciatore, head of the CDC’s Human Flu Research Department.

Dr. Cacciatore went on to say that a new flu vaccine was being developed that would address such a mutated virus. The vaccine reportedly will be given on a priority basis to those birds who are over 65, under two or reside in retirement golf communities.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

GREENSPAN FARTS, SENDS MARKETS TUMBLING

2005-02-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

Washington – An unexpected fart from the rear end of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan sent the U.S. financial markets tumbling today.

Greenspan, who was testifying in front of the House Committee on Economic Confusion, reportedly let loose with an audible blast just as he was finishing his semi-annual report. Ten minutes later, the Dow Jones Industrials had already lost 500 points.

A Fed spokesman later in the day assured reporters that the chairman’s “irrational exuberance was due to an excess of Mexican food at lunch, not to any specific concerns about the economic recovery,” saying that Mr. Greenspan had “merely lost the handle on that big boy.”

By 3:00 p.m., the markets had recovered significantly.

ISRAEL: IRAN WILL HAVE ABILITY TO MAKE BAD T.V. REALITY SHOWS IN 6 MONTHS

2005-02-16T10:30:00.000-05:00

Jerusalem – In a speech televised across the country and around Europe, Israeli Defense Minister Dossi ben Dover disclosed that Iran will have the ability to produce really bad T.V. “reality shows” within the next six months.

The news came as a shock to many in the audience, who had assumed up until now that the best the Iranians could put together was a Jerry Springer knockoff show in Farsi.

Said the minister, “I don’t have to tell you how much damage could be done once our airwaves are filled with shows like ‘Who’ll Marry My Imam,’ ‘Jihadi Survivor’ and ‘The Ayatollah’s Apprentice.’”

While European leaders expressed shock and outrage at the news, U.S. officials seemed less concerned. Said one, “Fortunately they lack the technology to deliver such lethal weapons this far away.”

GROUPS PROTEST “CLEAN” HALFTIME SHOW

2005-02-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

Jacksonville – A coalition of atheist and satanic-worship organizations today deluged the Federal Communications Commission with complaints about yesterday’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Said a spokesman for the coalition, “We are completely shocked and outraged that our young people would be subjected to a display of such wholesome and non-sexual entertainment during a major sporting event such as this one. Where were the crotch-grabbing, nipple-flashing and sexual content we've come to expect?”

The complaints come in start contrast to last year’s uproar by religious groups, who protested singer Janet Jackson’s split-second breast flashing.

Responded outgoing FCC Chairman Michael Powell, “I guess you can’t please everyone. Maybe I'll call a news conference and drop my pants to make up for it.”

MAYORS SWAP SUPER BOWL BETS

2005-02-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

Philadelphia - In a long-standing tradition, the mayors of the two teams playing in this Sunday’s Super Bowl have made a friendly wager of things their respective cities are noted for.

If the Philadelphia Eagles win, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino has promised Philadelphia a huge, multi-billion-dollar road construction project that leaks water and will take years to complete. If New England wins, Philadelphia Mayor John Street will award no-bid city contracts to politically-connected Bostonians.

Said a spokesman for one of the mayors, "Either way, the bucks stop here!"

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

PRESIDENT PROPOSES PERSONAL PET FOOD ACCOUNTS

2005-02-04T10:00:00.000-05:00

Oat Park, Ohio – In the wake of his State of the Union speech promising changes in Social Security for America’s younger workers, President Bush today laid out his proposal for personal pet food accounts for all workers under age 55.

“We cannot keep the current system in place for the younger generation without taking such drastic steps as changing my tax plan, adjusting the retirement age to reflect reality and having high-income earners pay Social Security tax on all of their earnings,” said the president.

“With personal pet food accounts, we can at least guarantee that there will always be a source of protein for those retirees who don’t have oil profits, Halliburton stock or big corporate pensions.”

Echoed an administration official, “Keep in mind that pet food has not just meat, but important meat by-products.”

CONGRESSMAN GOOFS AT STATE OF THE UNION

2005-02-03T10:00:00.002-05:00

Washington – A Democratic Congressman found himself in hot water during last night’s “State of the Union” address after standing up to applaud at the wrong time.

Congressman Alfredo Guadeloupe (D – California) endured the scorn of his Democratic colleagues when he chose the wrong moment during President Bush’s speech to rise to his feet.

Said the Congressman, “He kept talking about motherhood and apple pie and the flag, and we all got up, both sides of the aisle, and applauded. Next thing I knew he had slipped in that part about euthanizing the poor and handicapped, and I was on my feet clapping before I knew it. Boy, did I have egg on my face!”

While the misstep has made Guadeloupe an overnight pariah to his fellow Democrats, sources say the Bush Administration plans to offer him a job as Undersecretary of Health and Human Services.

JANET JACKSON'S LEFT BREAST SUES NFL

2005-02-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

Jacksonville – In what some court watchers say is an unprecedented move, attorneys for pop star Janet Jackson’s left breast filed a 32-count civil suit against the National Football League claiming discrimination for refusing to feature it in this year’s planned Super Bowl halftime show.

Jackson, who incurred the wrath of government regulators and parents groups alike last year when she exposed her right breast during the halftime show, is trying to get the courts to force the NFL to allow her back on the show during this year’s game.

Booked for the show instead is former Beatle Paul McCartney, who is expected to perform an entire song without exposing himself.

Said lead attorney Johnny Cochran, “If the bra isn’t gone, the show can’t go on!”

IRAQI ELECTION WINNER DEMANDS RECOUNT

2005-01-31T10:00:00.001-05:00

Ramadi – The man who has been declared the unofficial top vote-getter in Al Anbar Province in yesterday’s Iraqi election has called today for a recount.

A spokesman for Ahmed Kartooni, the candidate from the “Iraqi Schvitz Baath” party, insisted that irregularities in the vote count had skewed the results.

Said the spokesman, who declined to appear on or off camera, “This is a perversion of justice which cannot stand. There’s no way our man won this thing fair and square. We demand a recount!”

There’s been no word yet on whether such a recount will be granted, or what the value of one would be, since Mr. Kartooni ran unopposed.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

D.A. SEEKS DEATH FOR SUICIDAL MAN

2005-01-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles – A California district attorney announced today that he will seek the death penalty for a suicidal man who drove his vehicle onto the railroad tracks in an attempt to kill himself, but instead caused a catastrophic passenger train crash.

Said the D.A., “I know that the death penalty is a harsh punishment, but we need to put these people to death in order to deter other suicidal people from trying to kill themselves in the future.”

Sister Helen Prejean, a vocal death penalty opponent and author of the book “Dead Man Walking,” responded to the news by telling reporters, “Yeah, we might need to fry this one.”

IRAQ POLLING PLACES SECRET UNTIL AFTER THE VOTE

2005-01-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

Baghdad – In an effort to minimize the number of attacks on polling places before and during Sunday’s election, the Iraqi provisional government has announced that the location of all polling places will be kept top-secret until the day after the election.

When asked by reporters if that wouldn’t make it difficult for Iraqis to find a place to cast their ballots, a spokesman replied, “Hey, I’m just provisional. Ask the new guy on Monday!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin – All rights reserved.

BROKERAGE FIRMS AGREE TO SCREW EVERYONE EQUALLY

2005-01-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

New York - In a landmark announcement, four of the country’s largest brokerage firms have agreed to treat all of their investors unfairly, no matter how big or profitable they are.

The announcement came on the heels of an ongoing investigation by New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer that cited instances where favored clients were given unfair early access to hot I.P.O.s, and analysts touted stocks they privately believed were garbage just to curry favor with investment banking clients.

Under the new consent order, the four firms have agreed to charge excessive brokerage fees, hide commissions on bonds in the sale price, and make “buy” recommendations on stocks with dubious prospects to all clients, regardless of size or close connection with the firm.

A Wall Street source called the deal “a good step in the wrong direction.”

ADMINISTRATION FINALLY ADMITS MISTAKE IN IRAQ

2005-01-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

Washington – After months of refusing to admit any mistakes in the war in Iraq, a member of the Bush Administration has finally conceded one error after intense press pressure.

The surprising admission came in a news release from the Pentagon’s Office of Dining Support. In it, a Pentagon spokesman admitted that the wrong wine was selected for a formal officers’ dinner held in Baghdad last month.

Said the release, “We regret to have to admit that a red wine was served with the Chicken Marsala. Clearly a white would have been more appropriate.”

The White House immediately fired the spokesman.

BUSH PROMISES CHANGES IN SECOND TERM

2005-01-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

In a post-inaugural speech today, President Bush acknowledged that his policies are not without their critics, and promised to make changes in his second term. A few of the changes announced by the White House:

· The voltage attached to Iraqi prisoners’ genitals will be reduced from “AC” to “DC.”

· The U.S. would no longer launch preemptive military attacks on nations the White House suspects of having “weapons of mass destruction,” but instead would limit them to only countries they “kinda sorta think they’re really sure” have them.

· Restrictions on funding for stem cell research will be eased to allow more research on those diseases affecting mostly Republicans.

· Vice President Dick Cheney will be allowed out of his bunker once a year to attend the annual Halliburton stockholders meeting.

· Presidential “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” aircraft carrier landings will be limited to wars we’ve actually won.

DONALD TRUMP FIRED ON “THE APPRENTICE”

2005-01-20T22:05:00.000-05:00

New York – In a surprising turn of events, brash entrepreneur and star of his own reality show Donald Trump was fired from the “company” featured on his popular T.V. show “The Apprentice.”

The show, which has gained surprising popularity among America’s white-collar workers, takes two groups of young, hard-charging employees and has them compete against each other to see whose “company” can perform the best.

The highlight of each week’s episode is when Trump personally fires someone from the underperforming company after dressing them down for their alleged incompetence.

In last night’s show, however, all of the contestants got together and pink-slipped Trump, even going so far as to having building security escort him out the front door.

When asked why the sudden turn of events, one contestant explained, ”Hey, the guy’s obviously a sucky manager if he can’t keep any employees. Not to mention the hair!”

RICE PROMISES U.S. WILL TALK BEFORE WAR

2005-01-19T11:45:00.000-05:00

Washington – At her confirmation hearing today, National Security Advisor and Secretary of State nominee Condoleeza Rice promised congressional committee members that in its second term, the Bush Administration “would always start by talking to other nations before taking any military action against them.”

When pressed by committee members, Rice admitted that such “talking” might include such phrases as “Hey, we’re gonna bomb you guys!,” “Go ahead, make my day!” and “Betcha can’t spell ‘cruise missile,’ Abdul!”

Committee members promised speedy approval of the nominee.

NADER SUES TO GET ON IRAQI BALLOT

2005-01-18T09:46:00.000-05:00

Consumer advocate and two-time presidential loser Ralph Nader has filed suit in a Baghdad court, asking that his name be placed on the ballot in the upcoming Iraqi elections.

Nader, who first reached prominence back in the 1960’s when his book, “Unsafe at Any Speed,” detailed the safety hazards designed into many of America’s motor vehicles, says he plans to make automotive defects a major focus of his Iraqi presidential campaign.

“It’s obvious to me that you’ve got thousands of unsafe vehicles on Iraqi roads and highways,” says Nader. To back up his point, he gave statistics on the numbers of Iraqi cars that have blown up over the past year. “And these cars are especially defective when they get near U.S. military checkpoints and Iraqi police stations.”

Iraqi election officials refused comment on the suit.