Blogging With Barry (Rabin)

Tallahassee – Amid the debate over whether or not to keep the feeding tube in or out for Terry Schiavo, the young woman who has been brain-dead in a Florida hospital for more than 15 years, a new voice is being heard: That over the over 45 million Americans who are totally without health insurance.

Said a spokesman for the 45 million, “I can’t tell you if that poor girl down in Florida with the liquefied brain stem is still alive. But my nine-year-old sure is, and his crippled leg hurts like the dickens! Maybe somebody’d like to go to the Supreme Court for him!

Meanwhile, the other 44,999,999 just volunteered to pull out the feeding tube themselves.

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Los Angeles – It was announced today that champion cyclist Lance Armstrong will be soon be starring in a series of television and print ads for a popular feminine hygiene product.

When asked why it would want a male athlete to represent its product, a spokeswoman for the manufacturer said, “We’ve always sought out extremely active individuals who never let personal problems between their loins hold them back from all the fun and excitement life holds. And we think Mr. Armstrong fits the bill wonderfully.”

Said a spokesman for Armstrong, “Our guy’s willing to put almost anything between his legs, so long as the check clears!”

© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Washington – In a rare middle-of-the-night legislative session, the Republican-dominated Congress passed a bill aimed at keeping food and hydration going for President George W. Bush.

Said one Republican leader, “His eyes are open, he’s breathing on his own, and he seems to recognize us when we call out his name. If those aren’t signs of life, I don’t know what would be.”

A Democratic opponent of the special legislation, when told of his colleague’s statement, was not so enthused.

“Funny how he doesn’t respond when we try to talk to him!”


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Hollywood – In an unusual melding of Hollywood and Vatican City, it was announced today that Pope John Paul II is slated to star in the upcoming sequel to the popular “Weekend at Bernie’s” films.

The new film (working title “Weekend at Bernie’s III: Pope on a Rope”) will feature the durable, if less than lively-looking, Pontiff reprising the role played by actor Terry Kiser in the first two “Weekend at Bernie’s” films.

Movie fans will remember the original film, in which two young white-collar buddies tried to climb their way up the corporate ladder by reporting financial irregularities they’d discovered to their superior. Little did they know when they arrived at the boss’s beach house that (a) he was the one behind the financial hanky-panky and (b) he would be dead by the time they got there.

This set off a madcap string of events in which they basically propped up the corpse for a weekend in the sun while fun-loving visitors drank, danced and totally failed to notice that anything was wrong with their host.

Said a spokesman for the Vatican, “They tried to say that the Holy Father was too lively for the role. But fortunately for us, it doesn’t start filming until next year.”


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Washington – In the wake of its landmark investigation of the use of steroids in major league baseball, a congressional committee announced today that it plans to launch a full-scale investigation of the abuse of “Flintstones” vitamins in day care centers and preschools.

Said Representative Leroy Limberger (R-Kansas), “We’re starting to see 100-pound two-year-olds out there. You can’t tell me that’s just from pumping iron in the playpen.”

At least one toddler has already indicated that he will take the Fifth Amendment and refuse to answer the committee’s questions. In the words of little Tyler Johnson of Rotting Elk, Nebraska, “If they want answers, they can look inside my poopie diaper!”


©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Washington – In its continuing effort to make the flying public safe from terrorism, the Federal Aviation Administration has announced that underwear will be banned from all carry-on baggage, effective immediately.

Said a spokesman for the department, “What may seem like a harmless pair of briefs or panties to you or me could actually be a dangerous projectile in the wrong hands.”

When asked if this means that passengers will be prohibited from wearing underwear as well, the official (who refused to be identified by name, genus or species) replied, “We’re still hashing that one out right now. We may decided to allow it, but only if the elastic’s really worn out.”


©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Washington – A new bankruptcy bill passed by the Senate last week would make kidney donation mandatory for all persons seeking protection under the federal bankruptcy laws. The new law has been the subject of intense lobbying by the credit card and banking industries.

Said B. Simon Simpkins, president of the American Association of Credit Squeezers, “There’s absolutely no good reason why a person with two perfectly good kidneys should be able to get out of paying their credit card bills, which our members very generously helped them to get in the first place.”

An earlier version of the bill that included mandatory lung, liver and heart donation failed to pass by a one-vote margin, after industry sources realized that it might leave them with fewer customers.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

New York – CBS newsman Dan Rather, who signed off this week after 24 years in the anchor chair of the CBS Evening News, announced today that reports of his retirement have now turned out to be false.

In a printed statement, Rather said, “It now appears likely that reports of my retirement were premature and unfounded. We at CBS News sincerely apologize for this error in judgment. I’ll be back on the air this coming Monday, just as sure as a pig loves slop.”

Sources behind the scenes at CBS promised a full investigation. While they refused to specify what possible punishments might be meted out, they did not rule out Rather’s termination.

©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

San Enfermo, California – A new study released today shows that driving a car while using a cell phone definitely impairs an individual’s ability to use the phone correctly.

Says one of the study’s authors, Professor Irwin Flugelmayer of the University of California at San Enfermo, “We have long suspected that people who drive while phoning weren’t phoning very well. This study finally gives us proof of it.”

Some examples of inaccurate phone use among those driving cars in the study included punching in as many as five wrong numbers before the right one was obtained, ordering the wrong toppings on take-out pizzas and calling a parent or employer “dude” by accident.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Washington – President Bush today withdrew his support for a bill in Congress aimed at changing the federal minimum wage.

According to sources, the president’s change of heart came after he learned that the proposed change would increase, rather than decrease, the figure. The minimum wage is currently $5.15 an hour, and has been at that level for the past eight years.

A counter-proposal floated by Republicans, citing increased global competition, would be to have the minimum wage pegged at 125% of the Chinese minimum wage. Democrats oppose this proposal, offering instead to “keep opposing this proposal until something else happens, whatever that might be.”


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

New York – In a speech to the leaders of major U.S. corporations today, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan blamed vastly longer life expectancies as one of the major factors putting our Social Security system at risk.

Said Greenspan, “It is clear to me that the sharply higher life expectancies that we as Americans can look forward to, thanks mostly to new medications and other major medical advances, place an inordinate amount of pressure on the system to pay out more benefits than it takes in.”

In an attempt to fix the problem, Greenspan pledged to stop taking his own heart and blood pressure medications, starting after dinner tonight. He urged all other Americans over the age of 65 to do the same.

Pharmaceutical and medical device stocks nose-dived sharply on Wall Street on the news. However, their losses were more than balanced out by sharp increases in funeral home and embalming supply shares.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Connecticut – As a crowd of onlookers cheered and hordes of press gathered around for the best view, home décor and media maven Martha Stewart came out with her first bowel movement since her release from the federal prison camp at Alderson, West Virginia.

The resulting product was described by Ms. Stewart’s spokesperson as a “Deep Milk Chocolate Brown.”

A matching bathroom wallpaper border will reportedly be in K-mart stores by this summer.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Heaven – God and the plaintiffs in the Ten Commandments case currently in front of the U.S. Supreme Court have reportedly reached a settlement over whether or not
the Ten Commandments can be displayed in public buildings.

Sources say that under the deal, only six of the Commandments can be displayed in a public building, while the other four will have to be scraped off the wall or hacksawed off of existing metal plaques. While it hasn’t been announced yet which Commandments would get the boot, reliable sources say that adultery is still in.

Until the past few days, God was reportedly holding out for all ten of His Commandments. But in the end, He reportedly didn’t want to risk leaving it up to the high court to make an all-or-nothing decision.

Said the Lord, “The last thing I want is to leave it up to those nine clowns – just look what they happened the last time they made a big decision!” an apparent reference to the 2000 presidential election.


© 2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.

Washington – In the results of a new national poll released today, a whopping 97 percent of all old farts polled said that they opposed the government making any changes whatsoever to the current Social Security system.

When asked to elaborate on their feelings on the subject, the individuals polled responded with such sentiments as, “Screw those young kids as long as I’ve got mine!” “I hope I live to be 100 so I can suck that system dry!” and “I can’t wait until my Medicare drug benefit kicks in, so I can start stocking up on Viagra and see how many erections I can have at the taxpayers’ expense!”

As for the 3 percent of persons polled who did not vote with the majority, typical responses were: “Huh? What’s that?” and “Aren’t you my granddaughter?”


©2005 Barry Rabin. All rights reserved.